"Picture Perfect"

2011-08-11T09:08:00.001-07:00

I'm alive and taking emails. Coolguy4192@yahoo.com

2010-07-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

I'm Moving Past the Feeling

Dear World,

So I've been gone for a month or so now, but thank you to those who have been patiently waiting for my posts. The great thing about life blogs is that I need to live a life in order to blog and for months I didn't have one.

I used to be so sure. I always thought that I could live my life in the closet. Deny this part of me until I was finally laid to rest. Life was easy then. Life was so simple when I thought I could take this secret to the grave, but as I get older I realize that I can't live a life in denial.

As a teen I would describe myself as scared. I was petrified of the gay side of me. Completely horrified at the thought of being discovered. I wold do everything in my power to appear straight. I would go out of my way to cut down openly gay guys to prove that I was "normal."

As a young adult months away from turning 21 I would describe myself as lost. I don't know what I want. I know that I am gay, I've accepted that. But I don't know what I want as a gay man. There is this side of me that always feels guilt. I've been with guys before. Hook ups, break ups, and fuck ups. And each time I feel guilt. Its a guilt that I can't shake. I don't know why but I don't see myself with a man. Maybe it's cause I haven't met the right person. I can't be sure. I'm just confused.

When I lay down at night, close my eyes, and visualize about the future, I don't see myself with a man. I don't see myself with a women. I don't see much of anything. I just want to be happy.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

2010-04-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

Dear World

Be Aware of the World around you. Photo credit.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2010-04-14T00:03:00.000-07:00

In the morning this will all seem fake

Dear World,

So I've been out for awhile because I've been so busy with school, life, friends, family, and thoughts. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately, a little too much for my taste because I'm not the one for dramatics. Typically, I would just empty my brian out here and purge everything I was feeling but I just don't have time.

A few days ago I decided to sign on my Coolguy4192 screen name and surprisingly I got a lot of instant messages. Many of those IMs consisted of people who wanted to know where I was and why I left the blogging world for nearly a month. There was one reader in particular who really motivated me to write again, and you know who you are. (not that I was planning to leave forever). But it was really refreshing to know that people care, so I guess I should give you guys something to care about right?

Lately I've been extremely frustrated with being in the closet. I feel like everywhere I turn people are out or coming out. I feel like I've reached an age [20] where I should embrace myself and enjoy being gay at a young age to have the vitality that my youth provides me. I don't know why its so hard for me and yet so simple for others. I am my own worst enemy.

I guess the reason why I struggle with this so much is because I've created an impossible standard for myself. This standard has ultimately created an image of a guy who has it all, who lives the picture perfect life. And a part of me wants to uphold that standard. For what reason? I don't know. Someone wise once told me "Who are you living your life for? For yourself? or for others?" As of now, I am living life for others. I can admit that. I enjoy pleasing my parents, I enjoy that they are proud of me. But I think I've reached my limit. I need to start living my life for me.

There is this guy who I'm acquainted with. He recently came out as being bisexual. I really really want to come out to him, but I don't know if I can trust him. But I feel like he would be the one to know what I'm going through. His wounds are still fresh so he would still have the sympathy for "closeted" guys like me that many veteran "out" men lose over the years. I don't know what to do.....I'm really thinking about messaging him over facebook. I came out to a guy once, and I was completely fucked. I'm thinking this over long and hard. What would you guys do?

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

email me: Coolguy4192@yahoo.com

2010-03-09T02:39:00.001-08:00

All this talking pulls my teeth

Dear World,

Apologies again for being absent. This quarter has by far been the worst. I'm doing this reading for one of my classes right now, and I've literally just come to the realization that I've been so ignorant my entire life. But hey, isn't life all about growing? I'm going to make a change. I'll tell you more about this later and hopefully you will learn something new about yourself in the process.

In the mean time, in a study, test subjects were asked to use words that they believe is synonymous with homosexuality. Try not to get too upset. I'm listing this in order by the frequency they were mentioned, with the words most frequently used to describe homosexuality first.

1. Sexually abnormal

2. Perverted

3. Mentally ill

4. Maladjusted

5. Effeminate

6. Lonely

7. Insecure

8. Immoral

9. Repulsive

10. Frustrated

11. Weak minded

12. Lacking self control

13. Sensual

14. Over sexed

15. Dangerous

16. Sinful

17. Sensitive

I don't have time to address this issue at the moment, but I will soon! In the mean time, please tell me how you feel. Leave a comment. The main purpose of this post is for to think about how ,as a group, we can change people's perceptions of us because clearly many people have it all wrong.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

P.S. I've received a handful of emails requesting a link exchange, I will reply to them soon hopefully. But just know that I'm not ignoring you.

2010-02-13T00:55:00.000-08:00

Some eyes were looking down at us

The Wild Orchid By Camillia Akrans

2010-02-11T00:32:00.000-08:00

I fell out of heaven to be with you in hell

Dear World,

I am back! Well not has "back" as I'd like to be. I'm still extremely busy but I promised I'd be back around February 10th, so here I am. So where do I begin? Whenever I go on these blogging breaks I get flooded with stray thoughts while trying to get through unremarkable life events. And with stray thoughts comes blog material.

Well, where do I start?............Lately I've been feeling a little bored, as if I have nothing to be happy about. I've done everything I've wanted for myself. The things that would've given me much happiness before just don't do it for me anymore. So as I slowly cross things off my list, I approach that one thing on my list I can't seem to accomplish.

Doing well on the LSATs, getting into a New York Law School, and moving out, those are all things in the distant future that I can probably accomplish. But #6. "Come out of the closet." Why is this one so hard? I almost get annoyed with myself because I can't seem to do it. I just can't picture my life being out of the closet. I can't fathom it. There are times where I imagine myself coming out of the closet to a friend and want it to be reality but its not. I have written coming out notes in tears only to trash it the next day. I have typed up emails only to never hit the send button.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being betrayed. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of being different. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of heartbreak. I'm afraid of emotions. I'm afraid of being that gay guy. But I'm also afraid of regret, regret from not coming out sooner. I feel like my time is now.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for me. But I'm at a point now where I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. So maybe its time for change? The change that I have repeatedly said that I feared. I don't even know how to come out to someone. How do you even bring it up? [Suggestions please]. Is it finally time for the anonymous blogger from Picture Perfect to come out? I'm just waiting for when my time comes. Sigh.....its late and time for me to go to bed. I look forward to more stray thoughts.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

p.s. I'll be responding to emails soon. As for link exchanges, I'll be happy to exchange links but please have my blog already linked to your blog when you email me.

2010-01-31T03:00:00.000-08:00

will be back online soon. Prospective date 2.10.10.

2010-01-16T01:15:00.000-08:00

Our words are trained to the angry

Meeeeow. Devon Aoki represent. Yes I am half Asian and I feel like we don't have enough Asian people in the media.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous.

P.S. I'm busy.

2010-01-15T21:03:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

Meet Brandon. Something new that I'm trying to do is to tell coming out stories other then my own because everyone has a different story, a different experience, a different setting, some were easy, some were difficult, and others were just a nightmare. The point I'm trying to make is everybody has an extremely unique experience. Many of my readers have coming out stories to tell and have no venue to express themselves with. So what I want to do is provide people with a platform to tell their stories and share their experiences with the world. So what I'm asking you guys to do is to email me your coming out story and I will provide my readers with your email and you can give them advice [only if you want to disclose your email, it could completely be anonymous if you want]. If you have a blog, send me your coming out story and I will link you on that post. If you have a youtube channel give me consent to post your videos, and I will also link you to a post. So yes getting more traffic is an incentive for sending in your coming out story, but what I'm trying to do is strengthen the bond between our loosely knit community. Email me: Coolguy4192@yahoo.com

I emailed Brandon because I was interested in posting his youtube videos on my blog and he gave me the go ahead. Whenever I post something as intimate and personal as coming out of the closet, I always seek the consent of the author. This is the first coming out story I am posting on my blog, and will hopefully be the first of many. Please, please, please leave feedback either in the comments, or by directly messaging Brandon on his youtube page here. So leave a comment here or message him directly and let him know who sent you there. I just really believe that we all need to support each other, so show him some love.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

p.s. don't forget to pause the song in the right hand side.

2010-01-12T23:41:00.000-08:00

God, I'm down at the bottom

State of Emergency by Steven Meisel

2010-01-09T02:46:00.000-08:00

Freedom's the shine, let it peal your mind when you're dancing

Dear World,

I did a brief post on getting involved with a bi-sexual guy a few days ago. If you haven't read it, click here. Okay, so now that we're all caught up, the update between him and I is that we are still talking. It's very casual though. I don't think he is looking for anything with a guy, and is trying to get serious with a girl. Am I disappointed? Yes. I'm not disappointed that we didn't get serious, I'm disappointed that we barely talk. We can hardly be considered friends. Having a chance to open up to someone was the nicest part about this whole thing. But I've come to realize that this guy, Gabe, has more issues to deal with before he can be comfortable enough to be open to me.

I could tell that this poor guy is torn. He sought comfort in me while he was with his girlfriend. It makes me wonder if he is just dating her because that's what he feels is more normal then dating a guy. He has said to me once "I can't get serious with guys because I can't bring them home to my family and friends, and I can't hide my feelings when I truly love someone." So is it that he wants to be with a girl? or is it that he wants to be with a guy but can't? Bi-sexuality is very confusing. I used to think it would be the biggest luxury to be bi-sexual, but after meeting more bi-sexual people I realize that it's not. At times I think it could worst then being gay. I find that for many bi-sexuals they spend a huge part of their life trying to figure out if they're gay or straight. What'd I'd like to say to that is, maybe there is no definitive answer. The human mind is so complex, let it be, when you know you know. Love knows no gender. There is no reason why you have to pick one.

I really want to be here for Gabe, but I can't do much when he is distancing himself from me. I'm not gonna force myself onto him. So for now I'm making sure he knows that I'm available to talk, but yet maintain my distance at the same time. I know he wants to talk to me because he messages me on aim every so often to see how I'm doing. I used to have the false assumption that Bi-sexuality was rare, but as I explore my own sexuality here on this blog I have come to meet many bi-sexuals and realized that their community is much larger then I anticipated. You guys are not alone.

I wish I knew more about Gabe and his story, which is why I encourage many of my readers to start their own blogs or to just do anything that will help people understand us a little bit more. Which brings me to my other point.

The guy in the image up top is of Mike Manning. He is one of MTV's newest cast member to the MTV Real World. He is involved with the Human Rights Campaign and the Energy Action Coalition and is also bi-sexual. I read his bio only to realize that he and I have many similarities. We both come from backgrounds of much success and popularity. He was prom king, so was I, involved with sports, so was I, and our parents think we are perfect except for one minor detail. Their cast is going to be in Washington DC, the perfect place to do some advocacy work. So I'm extremely curious as to what this guy is going to do. I think tuning in will be worth your while. I have a feeling he is going to be big voice for the gay community and I always have a lot of respect for people who put themselves out there. It's really hard to share your story to a very judgmental society, I would know. I'm a firm believer that the L.G.B.T community needs to stick together so show him some support.

My blog is extremely limited to what it can do, but I hope that it can grow more and more each day. As of now I get about 11,200 views week. The amount of people that it equates to is a tiny variable in a much larger equation. I don't know if you knew this about me but I do plan on going to Law school to leave as an advocate for gay rights. I have an amazing internship right now and I do aspire to go to Harvard Law School. Maybe one day you guys will be voting for me, but don't worry I'll be an openly gay politician by then. I'll see you guys out there. Email me: coolguy4192@yahoo.com. Also, I've harnessed the power of tweeting. Follow me on twitter!

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s. To understand my readers more, can you kindly take the surveys below. Thank you!

How old are you?

2010-01-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

Underneath and Unexplored

Pictures and music have a way of capturing a moment. I've had the privilege of traveling to many parts of the world, but there is still a lot of uncharted areas to be covered. This post serves as a reminder to me, and hopefully to you, of all the beauty that this world has to offer. This is just a wake up call of how little we are in this vast planet we live in. Take some time to learn about the people that surround you, don't miss out on their beauty.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

Amazing picture credit goes to Big Picture . Bookmark me!

2009-12-30T17:08:00.000-08:00

Hit me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night

Dear World,

So I'm sitting here waiting for some friends to come over, starving. We're about to go get some dinner and I am so famished. To keep my mind off of my hunger I thought I could I just squeeze in a post. The year is coming to an end and I can finally bid farewell to 2009. It's been another great year and I can't wait for 2010 and see what life throws at me. I'm doing my New Years post now because I think I'll be too drunk to do a post tomorrow. Anyways, I really would like to just thank all my readers for the love and support. I'd like to thank all of those people who stood by me through the years, especially to those who were readers of this blog from day 1. You stayed loyal even after I disappeared for a year. At times I wish I hadn't deleted my old post back in 2008 because I think it would be fun to look back on them now. But if you saw my old posts and compared them to my newer ones I think I could say that I have grown up. I think...........This blog has completely transformed, not just in layout, but in content as well. My readership has grown day by day and I hope that I have helped touch the lives of someone out there who is going through the same thing as me. To the haters, I'm nothing without you guys either! I get thoroughly amused by how much hate you have for me sometimes, but without you contributing to my sitemeter I'm nothing. That's my sitemeter below, thank you so much everyone for reading. After my hiatus I thought this blog was unsalvageable but many of you came back. Although, I have been getting less comments and less emails then before. Keep commenting and emailing me guys! I love reading them! It really is the only satisfaction I get from blogging. Feedback is always welcomed.

As this blog gets older I realized that I have deviated from the initial concept and many of you have misunderstood me for it. This blog title is called "Picture Perfect" because if you just looked at me, you would think that my life is "Picture Perfect." My Dad has been extremely successful practicing Law, and my Mom has had much success with her construction company. So yes, I am rich. My Dad has a Bentley, my mom has a Mercedes. I live in a multimillion dollar house with 24/7 gate guards watching over. There is perfectly trimmed grass, and one million dollar smiles everywhere you look. But as you can see, all this money doesn't give me happiness. I've addressed this before and that's exactly what I want to convey, that just because I have money, doesn't mean my life is perfect. The title is "Picture Perfect" because from the surface that's what it seems, but my life is far from it. From my friend's suicide, to my constant battle with self acceptance no money in the world can fix this. So take the time to get to know me. I know you guys don't know my name, or what I look like. But let my words paint a picture for you. So please, keep reading and grow with me. 2010 will be another exciting year.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-12-29T03:20:00.000-08:00

The Foster Twins

Photographed by Baldovino Barani www.baldovinobarani.com
Styling / Holly Suan Gray
Make-Up / Angela Pasley
Hair / Alexander Chui
Models/ Juliet Wesley (IMG), Brandon Wilson (STORM)
Magazine/ MILK X – Nov 2009

Love and Peace,

Anonymous

p.s. I will be responding to emails shortly! I know, I suck at it but I just get so much it's hard to respond to them all. Nonetheless, I appreciate each and every email and I read ALL of them regardless! Even if you are just asking for sex, I still read the email. <3

2009-12-25T20:41:00.001-08:00

Guilty

Dear World,

I did something so stupid that now I feel so guilty. I'm trying to look at this as a learning experience but I honestly don't even know if I can trick myself into thinking that way. Let me tell you what happened...this literally happened 3 hours ago.

My family decided to leave for Spain really last minute and I wasn't sure if I was going to be available for the week they were planning to go. Long story short, my family left for Spain while I stayed home. I felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness, something that I haven't felt before. Christmas Day was just a weird day. All day I felt so weird. My friend told me about a party that was going on tonight so I decided to just go because I had nothing better to do. I got to the party like at 7. It was a pretty decent crowd. It was a crowd made up of people who had torn families or families on vacation.

There was this guy starring at me the entire night. Wasn't that hot or good looking but he was really nice. The night went on for like 30 mins and he and I ended up in a car alone somehow. It all started with me driving 5 people to get alcohol, starring guy being one of them. I drove back to the house where the party was at and dropped them off, but the guy who was staring at me, lets call him Danny, stayed in my car. He said "let's ditch this party."

I felt spontaneous so I did and drove away. I don't need to describe the events leading up to it but we hooked up. We basically did everything but full sex. Mind you this literally happened 40 mins ago. While we were hooking up, the feelings of shame and grossness that I felt with my ex came rushing back. It was the same sights, the same smells, the same feelings. After we did our business, I just dropped him off at his car and left because there really wasn't much to say. We barely knew each other. I felt like a high class prostitute. Right when I dropped him off and I had some time to think, I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt that my family was in Spain while I was having dirty sex in the back seat of my car. I should've sat at home and cut myself instead, it would've been the same thing. I've only been with two guys in my life, 1. my ex-boyfriend 2. Danny the random from the party. I just don't know what to feel right now. What makes me sad was that my parents begged me to go to Spain, but I refused. And this is what I go and do while they are gone.

I stepped into my house and right when I opened the door the family portrait of my father, my mother, my sister, and my brother was starring at me. Starring at me as if they knew what happened and were ashamed. I learned something though. I learned that hooking up isn't for me, especially with a stranger. I'm the type of guy that really needs to know someone before doing anything. I also realized that for some odd reason, I always feel guilt when I'm with a guy. I feel wrong. I felt this way about Nick, my ex, as well. I always felt guilty after we did anything sexual. It is times like these where I realize that being in a relationship isn't for me.

I feel like this guilt is a product of me being in the closet.

For the past few weeks I've been emotional about being single and being stuck this way for a long time. But now I know that what makes me the most happy is when I'm immersing myself with knowledge, with friends, with music, and with the small beauties life has to offer. I think I'm ending my hunt for a guy for awhile. It's going to take someone who is perfect for me to let my guard down again. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I hope you guys stay with me throughout this journey.

I just don't feel good about things right now. I feel so sleezy to say the least. I can still smell his stench on me, I'm going to take a shower.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s I got a lot of emails of people concerned that I cut myself. I actually don't. It was just something I thought was comparable with me hooking up with a guy in that it was self destructive. But yes, I don't cut myself.

2009-12-20T02:18:00.000-08:00

A sight for sore eyes, and a view to kill

I did a post about him before here

2009-12-17T00:04:00.000-08:00

Gets wild to the beats of record rhythms

Dear World,

One of my readers sent me an email awhile back really wanting to hook up with me. I usually don't reply to these emails, but after being harassed so often to send a nude picture of myself to him, I had to reply. I told him "I'm not interested in hooking up, I am open to talk to you, but if all you want is ass, you've got the wrong guy."

He being a regular on my blog (probably reading this right now) knows that I am closeted. So, he replies to my email by saying this:

"Well honestly, I would like to make a new friend. But I prefer to be friends with out guys like myself. And yes, I am masculine.

No offense, but I don't really respect closeted guys. If all the closeted guys had come out, Prop 8 probably would not have passed."

Okay, how stupid is this? Just because I'm closeted doesn't mean I voted yes on prop 8. Me being out or not did not effect my vote. This is how I replied to that email:

"That's too bad you have to come to those conclusions. I'm just not as fortunate to be presented with a situation where I could come out. Nonetheless, I still voted against Prop 8 and I do plan on coming out eventually. I respect your opinion, and I guess I'll leave it at that."

He replies:

"I agree it's unfortunate that you don't have the COURAGE to come out. I was presented with very difficult situation growing up in conservative St. Louis, Missouri, but I still had the guts to come out despite repercussions and homophobic backlash from my family. Everyone is presented with situations in which they CHOOSE to come out. haha, well let me know once you muster the bravery to come out completely, then we'll talk again."

How do you respond to something like that? When you know he is partially right. He is right. It does take courage to come out, and I can respect him for coming out in a situation where there was a lot of backlash. I'll admit, after reading this email I contemplated coming out to my friends. But again, I don't feel the need to. I don't feel trapped in this cage. I don't feel like I would be a different person even if I was out. So I never really know what the point is.

I'm sure it must be nice to be out, but to simply put it, I just don't feel ready to come out of the closet yet. What I don't understand, more then anything, is why some people feel the need to force people out of the closet. I don't understand how some of my readers can get so passionate about me being in the closet and how much distaste they have against me for it.

I just want people out there to be aware of the pain you can inflict on people. If you have a closeted friend/sibling/ cousin/ etc, don't be so forceful in trying to get them to come out. They're already torn as it is, they don't need you to make things worse. Show them love and compassion. Frustration will only push closeted individuals , like myself, further into the closet.

Of all people, you would think that my gay readers would show the most sensitivity to closeted individuals. But unfortunately this isn't the case. Many of you guys are really against me being in the closet and feel the need to call me names. So it is almost like I am being scrutinized by both the straight community and the gay community. So where does a guy like me find acceptance in this world?

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

2009-12-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

The Naked Rabbit Project

For More

Peace and love,

Anonymous

2009-12-09T01:12:00.000-08:00

I want your psycho

JOEY KIRCHNER + SIMON NESSMAN

2009-12-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

On of the best things about fashion is music and artistic expression. You can always count on Mcqueen to put on a good show. Below are old videos, but never get old. So Enjoy it while I enjoy finals.

Below, is a Hologram of Kate Moss. Shit, I want to be turned into a hologram.

2009-12-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

"Well I've Never Prayed But Tonight I'm On my Knees

I Need to Hear Some Sounds that Recognize the Pain in Me.

I Let the Melody Shine, Let it Cleanse my Mind, I Feel Free now

But the Airwaves are Clean and There's Nobody Singing to me Now.

No Change, I can Change, I can Change, I can Change

But I'm Here in my Mold. I am Here in my Mold"

- The Verve

beautiful lyrics

2009-12-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

The sand in the hour glass is moving slow

Dear World,

I need to do this impromptu post because I have so much on my mind and this is the only way I'll be able to clear my thoughts so that I can go to bed. I know this post won't do what I want to convey any justice but I really just need to get this out of my system. This is going to be a stream of conscious so excuse the grammatical errors, spelling errors, etc.

So over the last few posts many of you would have already realized that I'm kind of in a man search. Being in the closet puts me in a weird situation because I can't exactly just go out and meet someone. Many of you have a lot to say about me being in the closet, but to address that right now, I don't give a fuck. I will come out on own time. Anyways, I posted an ad on Craig's List basically giving my description, my goals, and ambitious and how I was looking for someone to talk to or maybe even date if it turns into something special. 40 messages later I finally got an email from a guy who wasn't just looking to satisfy his one night frustration while his wife was out.

This guy, Gabe, goes to my school, he's in fraternity, smart, and Bi. Yes Bi. Here is the thing about bisexual guys they are more confused then gay guys. I always thought being Bi sexual would be so much fun, but to live life torn in two directions is just too much. Anyways Gabe and I get along really well. He's funny, sarcastic, and loves music just like me. And most of all he is dedicated. Discreet like me, he fears coming out because of his parents. So I figured this could work. We got a long sooo well it was weird. For people who never met we were already finishing each other's sentences.

After talking some more I find out that he is "dating" this girl. Okay, weird. But he assured me that it was something that was only a month in and they weren't mutually exclusive. I didn't think much of it because after a week I was really just happy to be able to be open with someone. I was able to share with him my experience with my ex, Nick. We both had relationship problems with guys, and he was basically screwed over by some guy which has turned him more straight then gay. In other words, he saw guys as people who he could fool around with, not get into a serious relationship. Bi sexuals are so confusing. Just so everyone knows, at this point I still hadn't met him in person yet. All of our chatting was done online.

2 weeks later I muster up the courage to meet him in person, and to me I thought it went really well. We sat in my car and just talked, it was awkward at times but I don't see why it wouldn't be. We got along so well. It was so refreshing to be able to open to someone. I had that feeling that I used to get with Nick. That feeling in your stomach. That shyness that usually isn't there reemerges. Before we parted ways we exchanged hugs. That hug with him was a reminder of what I've been missing out on. I felt the warmth of his cheeks against mine that gave me chills. I had completely forgotten what it was like to be with anyone, to feel someone's affection. He pressed his face against mine and stroked my back. That hug carried on such a more meaningful message for me.

But I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. I still don't even know, but lately he's been a little stand offish. He hasn't been texting me the way he used to. I asked him literally just now "am I going to be able to share deep dark conversations with you tonight?" Okay I know this sounds a little strong, but it's an inside joke that we have, and all he said was "i'm not nearby a computer right now." 2 weeks prior he probably would of made some joke or said something sarcastic. This just seemed so cold. I responded with "aw, okay, well I'm going to pass out now, you have work tomorrow right?" he responds "yay lucky you, you get to go to sleep. i feel like I'm not going to be online as much anymore with finals, but yea I have work tomorrow, lucky me." Basically saying, I won't be online to chat with you as much anymore. I feel like this is a sign of him getting bored or scared.

The only reason why that last text was so depressing for me to read was because we both talked about how he was naturally smart, and he always emphasized how he never had to study. So I don't get why he would tell me that now. Does being online really distract him that much? Another point I want to make, being online carries more magnitude in this situation because that's the only time we ever talk because we are both so busy.

I don't know what it is, maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe it's because I'm so excited for this. Maybe it's because he is scared to be screwed over again. He made it clear to me the first time we talked that he wasn't looking to date anyone, but 2 weeks later he says "just when I think i am fully attracted to girls, a guy comes into my life to make me think otherwise" and for a moment I thought I could be that guy. I'm just kind of lost right now, and I really needed to clear my mind. I told myself not to let myself fall for this guy because he was in the fence about everything. I knew this was going to happen, but I can't turn off my feelings. I am so picky when it comes to men, and for once I think I might of found someone. When you know, you know. So right now, I'm trying to stop any feelings I have for him because I don't need to be let down. Love sucks.

For every post I listen for inspiration from music to help guide my thoughts, and the song that is posted now is my current inspiration. I don't know why it is, but it is. thanks for reading and for being loyal. I could really use your advice now.

2009-11-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

A band on the rise, ZacPoor is quickly becoming one of my favorite bands. My favorite song from them is called "She'll be Breaking Hearts" and because they are so new I couldn't find any of their songs on youtube, otherwise you know I would've posted it. So in the mean time go to their myspace page! Or follow them on Twitter! Anyways, posted below is their cover of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi," which I really like. The next thing on my to do list is to see ZacPoor live. They are in the LA area where I'm from. perrrfect.

Love & Peace,
Anonymous

2009-11-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

Secrets of the winds, burnt stars crying

Dear World,

Its that time of year where we start rushing for our fraternity. I truly love this time of year because people spend their days pondering about how they're going to kiss my ass, and who doesn't love that? For those of you that have forgotten I am in a Fraternity, I just don't blog about it often. Anyways, all my second year I spent pledging so I'm glad the tables have turned. As the interview process intensifies so does the hotness. LOL The guys rushing this year are so hot. We have latin guys, asian guys, white guys, mixed guys, it's just like a potpourri of men.

Anyways, I interviewed this Asian guy, and trying to listen to him was so difficult because he was so hot. It was like everything was happening in slow motion. Tall, slim, smooth, and dressed very well. Is he gay? I don't know, he seems pretty straight. My gaydar is extremely inaccurate, so i don't even try anymore. But what I find is that I am totally attracted to the straight guys. Guys where their sexuality is totally ambiguous. From this point on, I'll refer to these gay/straight ambiguous guys as question mark guys.

The downfall with these question mark guys is that you can't tell! Nothing is certain, hence "question mark" guys. I spend more time trying to figure out their sexuality then pursuing them. Why is it so difficult to find a guy? I just want to meet one good guy, why is this so hard?

So, throughout my interview with this Asian question mark guy I purposely asked questions to to figure him out. "So, what brand are my shoes?" "Football game? or shopping?" "Do you take it up the butt?" Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but I did honestly try to figure him out.

However, he left the interview an even bigger question mark then he was before. I was scratching my head trying to figure out his sexuality, all while figuring out his standing in our fraternity. So yea, I'm looking for a guy, scoping out the college scene before I become old and alone. So far, the markets been down like our economy. Seriously, what do you guys suggest a closeted guy like me do? I'm sort of stuck in the balance of coming out but not coming out at the same time. It's hard to explain.

I think I'm a good catch. 5'11, dedicated, moms and girls love to call me handsome, but where the are the men?! Where do I look? This is a cry for help.

Anonymous.

2009-11-11T03:36:00.000-08:00

2009-11-07T01:05:00.000-08:00

Movies I need to see

Dear World,

One of my favorite things to do is to get to the movies 20 mins in advanced to catch the previews. I LOVE previews, they give you something to look forward to. If it were up to me, I would be a preview producer. Is that even a job? But here are the movies I need and want to see, hope you guys enjoy. Don't forget to pause the song on the right hand side!

Avatar

Avatar is the first movie James Cameron has directed every since Titanic.

2012

2012, Looks really stupid but I'm really into apocalyptic movies like "The Day After Tomorrow." I just love seeing human peril.

New Moon

Despite "Twilight" being a total let down, the previews always get to me. I'm not even into the books or the hype, it just looks like a pretty decent vampire movie. Why do I always waste 9 bucks at these things?? I just really like Dakota Fanning.

Alice In Wonderland

I love anything Alice and Wonderland, and Anne Hathaway as the White Queen? Hell yes.

Precious

Heck, Oprah endorses it so I have to see it. Just kidding, it just looks really inspirational.

Moves that are Already Out, and I Still Haven't Seen:

Saw 6 [warning graphic]

There really is nothing to say about this preview. I haven't seen it because I'm too scared to, I've seen all the other Saw films in theaters but I honestly don't know if I can stomach it. It's too stressful and I don't want to stress myself out anymore then I have to.

Where the Wild Things Are

The song in this preview is amazing, and its called "Wake up" by the Arcade Fire. You're welcome.

100 Days of Summer

I just want to see it

Star Trek

I'm waiting for this shit to come out on DVD so I can buy and stare at Chris Pine. I also heard the movie was good so that's a plus.

All I'm thinking of is how expensive it's going to be to watch these movies.

Anonymous

p.s Looking at the movies I've listed above, it seems like I'm a big sci fi junkie.

2009-11-04T12:40:00.000-08:00

The wolves at the door can hear you now

Dear World,

As hell freezes over, and winter starts to take over Southern California (if that's possible) I realize that my life is freezing over with it. With work, School, an internship my life has stiffen up like the grass on your lawn. I have no time for anything, and that includes blogging. You're probably thinking "With the junk you post on your blog, it should only take like 5 mins to blog." Well on the contrary, I actually do spend a pretty decent amount of time blogging, when I do blog at least. Even as I sit here typing I'm thinking of the homework that I've neglected, piling up on my desk, collecting dust as I nap for debilitating hours.

Anyways, I don't blog for awhile hoping that something exiting in my life will happen and a lot of times that doesn't happen. So what is a life blog supposed to do when the life blogger has no life? I guess what I'm leading up to is my blog is going to become a website where I post random shit on it. I do spend a lot of time on the internet, and I do find plenty of weird things on it. I also plan on treating my blog like a twitter page, and just updating you guys on the things that I'm up to. But don't fret, I' am still going to have some meaningful stuff on here. It's still going to be the same blog, just with more random crap on it. I really do want to start that facebook account for my blog, but then again, not to many of you people responded to that when I asked about it. What would you guys like for me to talk about?? Do you have any questions for me? Do you want advice? Do you want free and easy sex? Are you looking for a single guy you can hook up with? All great things to email me about Coolguy4192@yahoo.com [okay i was kidding about some of the stuff on there, and I hope you can tell which ones]. A lot of people email me asking for pictures, and just to clarify I don't send pictures of myself. I don't want my face to make me lose any readers. lol.

Anonymous.

p.s. I'm still looking for love. Well, I don't know if you can necessarily call it "looking for love." It's more like hoping to "stumble" on it. Not too many eligible singles out there......or maybe I'm too picky? But, that's a whole other thing.

2009-10-31T02:39:00.000-07:00

In the Spirit of Morbidity [Male Edition]

2009-10-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

In the Spirit of Morbidity [Female Edition]

p.s I'll type something up soon. Too busy. In the mean time, everybody enjoy Halloween.

2009-10-24T22:23:00.001-07:00

I'm Alive, I Promise. I'm Just Living My Life. I'll Be Back Soon!

2009-09-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

One life here with me and it's magic

'La Isla Bonita'
Photography: Doug Inglish
Fashion Editor: Francesco Sourigues
Model: Ollie Edwards

2009-09-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

Lie in the sand and visualize like its 75 again

Dear World,

A couple of days ago my friends and I decided to make our own dinners and to just enjoy each other's company. It was about 5 of us so it was really just laid back. Well, I didn't really make dinner, I just kind of sat there. I wasn't just sitting there because I was lazy, I mean yea I'm lazy, but if I were to be cooking people's lives would be in danger. So I guess it works out to everyone's benefit that I just sit on the sofa and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives as everyone else slaves away in the scorching kitchen. So after dinner was made we all just sat around the table and ate.

Somehow the topic of Dumbledore's sexuality came up. For those of you who don't know, Dumbledore is a character in the wildly popular Harry Potter books. Apparently J.K Rowling made him gay? First off, you can't just make people gay with a flip of a wand, and what was the point of making him gay? Is he going to come out to the children of Hogwarts when the next book comes out? I don't know what her intentions were with that, but that's beside the point.

When my friend said "Oh yea apparently J.K Rowling made Dumbledore gay," I responded with "That's stupid, that doesn't do us any good." Emphasis on us. Did any of you guys catch what I just did? I said us, as in that doesn't do us gays any good. I realized what I was saying like 2 seconds after I said "us," but because I didn't want to correct myself and draw even more attention to the slip up I just completed my sentence. My friend looked at me and said "Us? are you a part of the gay community?" She said it really jokingly and I said "I met us as in, it doesn't change the storyline of Harry Potter at all, and that it was pointless to have Dumbledore be gay. Like it doesn't do us readers any good." Good save huh? Damn I am fast on my feet.

I mean the whole situation wasn't that big of a deal, but it had me thinking. If I unconsciously referred to myself as an individual in the gay community by using the word "us" maybe I am that much more comfortable with myself. I never would of made a mistake like that years before. So I'm thinking I am getting there. So thank you Dumbledore for helping me realize that I am much more comfortable with myself. So maybe J.K Rowling did have a purpose for making Dumbledore gay. Watch, the next book Dumbledore gets caught having sexual affairs with Ron and Harry. But for now, let me have my moment. Dumbledore is gay because he helped me realize that I am a tad more comfortable with myself. Lastly, I leave you all with this image.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-09-03T01:13:00.000-07:00

the secrets that we held that day will be kept straight

Dear World,

A few days ago Dan skinner, a photographer, emailed me the link to his art page. The pictures below were some of my favorites from his page. I love it when photographers send me pictures/link me to their webpage, it saves me a lot of time and I appreciate artwork. So if you are a photographer, and would like to have your pictures featured on my blog feel free to email me: Coolguy4192@yahoo.com. But yea, Dan's pictures are really suggestive and despite leaving little to the imagination it keeps you thinking. So keep imagining folks! Expect more posts of Dan Skinner's work.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s if you are going to take pictures from my blog and post them on yours, please give the photographer credit. And give me some for posting it, if you want. lol.

2009-09-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

irises retreating to ovals of white.

Dear World,

Many of you don't know but I have a younger brother. Recently the topic of his sexuality came up, apparently one of my aunts thinks he is gay. I found out through the family grapevine and its quite obvious that ,in my family, the grapes are extremely talkative. I don't know why but this bugs the shit out of me. If my brother is gay, its really none of their business. This was her reasoning, "Well he does hang out with a lot of girls and doesn't really have any guy friends?" I mean people have their suspicions and thats okay because to me that's only human nature, but she didn't need to bring it into discussion over dinner with all of my cousins and SISTER around. My sister was telling me how awkward it was. I just believe that it was totally inappropriate and I just hope that my brother doesn't find out somehow.

If it were me, I would be completely heart broken. I remember when I was younger, if anyone even suspected that I was gay I would be depressed out of my mind. It's a secret that I think we all worked hard at to maintain at one point in our lives. I never suspected that my brother could be gay. He was always just the immature one. The one that "wasn't into girls yet." Maybe that was his ploy, his cloak to keep from being the object of suspicion. I don't know, but I don't care.

What breaks my heart the most is that I was completely oblivious to it. I always knew that my brother had something deep inside of him that was eating away at him. He was never the golden child in my family. That role was fulfilled by my sister or me. My brother was kind of forgotten underneath all of the trophies, awards, and plaques my sister and I achieved. I always gave him so much shit for being the "lazy one," the "unproductive one," or the "loser." Now I sit here and wonder if he is the one that would understand me the most. My brother went through a phase where he was really depressed. I'm his brother, I could see right through him. I just never thought that hiding his sexuality could be the root of his depression.

When I was younger I always thought to myself that my brother would be the one to carry on the family name. I thought he was the one that would give my mom the family that she always wanted. Its funny how things turn out. I don't really know what to do. I don't know if I should ask him or to just let him come out on his own time. My brother and I have always been close despite the difference in our drive and this gay thing will only bring us closer. I just want to be there for him. Be there in a way that no one else was ever there for me.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

P.S Sheesh, two gays in one family? It has to be genetic.

2009-08-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

take care of the senses and the sounds will take care of themselves

p.s I love the concept of Alice and Wonderland, and I love seeing different people's interpretations of it. I can't wait for the Tim Burton Wonderland movie to come out!

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-08-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

Dear world,

So I've been talking about being single a lot lately, but at the same time, I don't want to be in a relationship. So I guess I am looking to just have fun. Having fun in a non sex way. So here is my singles profile, and all you singles out there email me! Email me especially if you are in the Orange County area, maybe we could meet one day. LOL

Name: coolguy???
Height: 5'11
Hair: Black
Age: 20
Body: Slim/average
Ethnicity: Half white/half Asian (But I look mostly Asian)

Bio: I love walks on the beach. I would hold your hand but unfortunetly its socially unacceptable. I'm an active person. I enjoy going on bike rides, going to the pool, hiking, running, and just being outdoors. If you open my trunk you'll find tennis balls, basketballs, baseballs, a skooter, beach towels. ( I have a large trunk). I could spend hours with my ipod laying outside. Although I love being outside, I'm definitely a city guy at heart. One of life's pleasures includes sneezing and spending a long hot day outside and coming home to a freezing house. The rest of the day can be spent watching movies at home.

I'm very into polished, refined guys. My dream guy would be someone who wears khaki's and a button up. I want a guy who is driven like I am. I want him to be more into his career then love. That sounds so cynical but I don't like the overly sensitive guy who always needs attention. I want to date a business shark. Not that I'm into beastiality or anything, but you know what I mean. I love a guy who is aggressive in his work ethic. My dream guy below:

Photography by Giampaolo Sgura

I want my guy to be just like that, well not exactly. But I like that polished, simple, and not too harsh look. So yea message me! LOL. Email: Coolguy4192@yahoo.com

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s After reading this post, I'm thinking I should change my blog URL to: www.desperate_singles.com

2009-08-24T02:30:00.001-07:00

Forget About my Tainted Heart

Dear World,

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, but the thing about life blogs is that you have to live your life before posting anything. So to live by the words of the "great" Rihanna, I need to live my life. (I'm being sarcastic). I've been gone for like a month and I have tons of things to catch you guys up on. Summer hasn't even really been summer for me, its been work and summer school. But at the same time I have been looking for inspiration for my blog, I need ideas. So if you have any ideas, questions, or things you would like my commentary on, email me! (coolguy4192@yahoo.com). But for now, here are some images that were sent to me! I love pictures that are sent to me. It saves me so much time and energy. According to Sylvain Norget, the emailer, this model, Adrien, is from France. I love that I am a French magnet (if you don't know what I mean, click here)! Well, I like to believe that I am a French magnet. I'm not sure if Sylvain is the photographer, I just emailed him, but once I find out who the photographer is, I will let you know. But anyways, I'm watching Planet Earth right now and a polar bear is dying. So I need to see if it survives.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

P.S

I promise to do it more often.

2009-07-17T01:32:00.001-07:00

Jesus Christ on Web Blog

Pool Servce by Matthias Vriens McGrath
P.S Doug Porter [above] with Missy Rayder is seriously one of my favorite male models. He's been featured on my blog 3x. Due to censorship issues, it took me forever to get these pictures up! Also follow/bookmark me! Lets get 100 followers! Lastly, if you would like to link me, please email me at coolguy4192@yahoo.com with my blog already linked on your page.

2009-07-15T02:29:00.000-07:00

On a Night like Tonight, You Saved my Life

Dear World,

One the biggest satisfaction I can get out of blogging is to be able to help people out! So when people email me asking for advice it just makes my day! Not that I revel in your misery, I just love being a helping hand. This is what one of my readers emailed me recently:

"dear coolguy,

i've stumbled upon your blog very recently and i'm just dropping by to tell you that i like it. i read that you give advices so i might just as well ask your opinion about falling in love with a straight best friend.

you see, i'm gay and i'm in love with my straight best friend. i've confessed to him very recently, and he doesn't seem to mind that i have these feelings for him as long as i don't pursue them. but the problem is... i really can't resist him. i mean, i badly want to make him feel that i love him.

but i'm afraid i would spook him out. hope you'll be able to help me.

Peace and love,

Dear J,

I know exactly what you are talking about! I always tend to fall for the straight guys. Apparently there are many guys out there ,who identify as straight, who wouldn't mind having a sexual encounter with a guy. I'm not really sure how that works, but I've met a couple of guys like that and according to them many guys are like this.

First, I think its awesome that your friend is completely comfortable with you having a crush on him. And the fact that you guys can still be friends without things being weird, shows how genuine your friendship is. But what I want to know is, are you so committed to this friendship because you kind of hope that something romantic can come out of it? If so, you are setting yourself up for a real let down. Your friend is straight. And if he is one of those curious guys that I mentioned before, he probably would have taken action after hearing about your crush, but he hasn't, which shows you the stance he has taken.

Just give it time, maybe he does like you, but doesn't know how to handle the situation. But I wouldn't get my hopes up. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go to far to show him that I love him. It would really spook him and you might loose a friend in the process. Whoever this guy is, he knows where you stand and that you are basically his for the taking. And if he doesn't do anything about it, then clearly he doesn't want to.

Typically when I fall for a straight guy who clearly has no interest, I just distance myself from him for awhile. You know what they say, out of sight, out of mind. And if you think about it, if a girl pursued you, no matter how hot she was or how hard she tried, would you submit? If she decided to desperately show you that she loved you, would you return the favor? Probably not. And the simply answer is that you just aren't attracted to her because you are gay. If anything she would probably freak you out, and ruin any chance of having a strong friendship. Having a good straight friend is extremely refreshing for me. It keeps me balanced. Having a straight friend helps keep the butch side of me out. So, if I were you, I would try my best not to pursue him. Its not worth loosing a friend. He knows how you feel, and if he doesn't want to do anything about then I think you should respect him and just leave him be.

I hope this helps. I am kind of floopy right now because I am so sleepy. Email me again if you need anything else! And to all of my readers that may need a little advice feel free to ask!

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

2009-07-12T01:42:00.000-07:00

Those Who Run Seem to Have all the Fun

By: Carter Smith

2009-07-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

Paris France 2009

Dear World,

So I've been gone for some time now, but it's only because I was in Paris for the month! I got back about a week ago, but jet lag can be a real bitch. So when school ended my friend Jake told me that he was going to be at his Paris vacation home for the month and invited me to stay with him. He was visiting grandparents but didn't want to be living in his apartment alone. How could I turn down an offer like that? So I didn't. Basically a week after finals ended I was Paris bound! Trust me, it's a breath taking city. This wasn't my first time there, but it truly never gets old. I was staying at the Paris Louvre Palais Royal Apartments literally right next to the Louvre. It was so much fun spending time with my friend, eating at the cafes, seeing the sites, and hanging out with his family. I even got some shopping done for my nagging mother who demanded that I buy her some Louis Vuitton handbags to bring home. And let me tell you, the Louis Vuitton in Paris shits on the one in Orange County. But don't let me bore you with the minor details of Paris. The highlight of my trip was when I met a this french guy.

How did this happen? I'm not really sure myself but it did, and now all I want to do is go back to France. Here is how it started. Because my friend Jake spent a lot of time away with his family I found myself often wondering the streets of Paris alone. Honestly, I can barely believe this month and if you guys can't believe me I'll understand because this is so storybook it's almost gross. But anyways, it was an early morning in France and Jake had already left to get breakfast with his family. He invited me to go, but I had already spent time with his family yesterday and I really wanted to see Paris. So that morning I woke up and decided to take a walk at the Parc de Monceau ( a park to keep it simple). It was such a beautiful walk. After 30 mins I decided to sit down just to soak it all in. I sat next to this guy. He had blonde wavy hair, kind of skinny, dressed really well. he wore skinny black jeans, a loose brown button up with sleeves rolled up to his elbow. He was reading a book, Pride and Prejudice. I noticed him reading it, I wasn't even sure if he understood English, but I figured if he'd understand me he would just look up. So I said "I really like that book, how do you like it so far?" He looked up, and told me that "Elizabeth Bennet bugged him." Honestly, I couldn't even remember the book, I just agreed. I asked him for his name, he said "Sebastian" and shook my hand.

Sebastian and I just talked on that bench, I told him where I was from. I told him I was from California, and he assumed that this was my first time here. I played dumb and figured it would be easier to keep this conversation going if I acted like I knew nothing about Paris. He surprised me and asked me if I wanted him to show me around. I wasn't sure to accept his gesture or not, but for some reason I felt free in Paris and accepted his offer. We walked around the park for sometime and I felt this tension when I was next to him. Since I have a horrible gaydar I just assumed "eh, I'm crazy." For like 15 mins we just walked, and then we decided to meet at a cafe. He took this little motorcycle thing, and I took a parisien (cab). We talked over lunch and we realized that we had so much in common. We laughed a lot. It was never really awkward, my face hurt because I couldn't stop smiling. After lunch, we parted ways and decided to meet again tomorrow.

I got back to my apartment and Jake was there. We just hung out, Jake asked me what I did today and I told him the truth minus Sebastian. He just assumed I did all of those things by myself. The next day came and Sebastian and I met at the same cafe. He wanted to take me to the Louvre first. I was about to hop onto another cab but Sebastian told me to just ride with him on his scooter motorcycle thing, whatever they are called. And so I sat behind Sebastian, held him tightly as we rode through Paris. And at that moment I felt a connection, I was holding onto him like I knew him forever. I didn't want to let go. I wasn't sure if I was the only one feeling this, but it was a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.

We spent the day just running around Paris. At some point in the day he asked me if I had a girlfriend, I told him never. He asked me "why? aren't American girls beautiful?" And I said jokingly "cause I am looking for a french girl." I asked him the same question and he told me he never had a girlfriend either. It started to get late, and Sebastian told me to come and see his apartment and so I did. We sat on his couch because he wanted to her all about what it was like to live in the O.C. We sat pretty close. I told him I was sleepy and I put my head on his shoulders jokingly, but to my surprise he put his head on mine too! I didn't move, I just let the moment be. And when I left him that night, we hugged each other longer then any friend would. Over the next few weeks, we spent our days with each other. He would show me around, I would act dumb. We cuddled, we hugged, we held hands. (of course this was all in his apartment.) Never once did any of us say "I'm gay." We just understood, and it was nice. It was amazing. I have never felt this way about anyone in a long time. Sebastian was just perfect for me.

The Final week came, I was dreading this week. One day him and I were cuddling on his bed. We both knew this could be the last time we would see each other. So he turned to me and kissed me, and whispered in my ear "don't leave." But I couldn't lie, so I just kissed him again. We just held each other for the entire day. We did nothing. No Louvre, no Eiffel tower, no anything. I only needed to be with him. I left Sebastian that night, and I haven't seen him since. I don't know when the next time I will ever see him. All I want is to just be with him right now. I lay in bed now, thinking about what I've been missing out on for so long. So now all I do is just hope. Hope that one day we will see each other again.

Peace and love,
Anonymous

2009-06-23T02:13:00.000-07:00

Press Play and Enjoy

1. Baby Cool - Oliver North Boy Choir 2. Against The Tide- The Radio Dept

3. A Thing For Me- Metronomy 4. Can You Tell- Ra Ra Riot


5. LoveGame- Lady GaGa 6. Bottle Pop- Pussycat Dolls

7. What Else Is There- Royksopp 8. Swordfish Hotkiss Night- Empire of the Sun

9. House of Cards- RadioHead 10. Pass this On- The Knife

11. Dream- Deep Dish 12. Intervention- The Arcade Fire

      13. The Foxglove Hunt- A Concealed Weapon 14. Chase- The Cinematics

These are some of my favorite songs, give them all a chance!

2009-06-19T02:39:00.001-07:00

Jon Kortajarena for Mangano 2009

2009-06-18T01:28:00.002-07:00

I Don't Need You Anymore

Dear World,

So I always get asked the question "Why are you not out of the closet yet?" And to be honest, there is really no straight forward answer. I can't imagine being completely out. I don't know a life that is any different from being in the closet. I don't want to be this way, but I am afraid of change. People always say, it'll be for the better, you will feel liberated, but I don't know if I am ready for that yet. There are times where I sit there and wonder why I exist in this world, and I have still yet to figure out why. I just know that one day, I will make a difference in someone's life. Being gay shouldn't be a constant burden in my life, it shouldn't be, but it is because the world makes it that way. It's not my fault that I was born in a world that isn't fully capable of loving me. But am I going to let that stop me from doing the things I want to do? no.

Sometimes I just want to run, runway from everything. Be out in the woods and just listen to the birds, and lay out in the sun. Feel the sounds of the ocean and be with my music. There is so much beauty in this world that we take for granted because we are caught up by these trivial things. People always forget that we are all human, in the end, we all just want to be happy. I try my best to keep this gay thing away from my thoughts, because I don't believe that it should control my life. And after writing these last couple of sentences, I realize that I'm not out of the closet because I don't need to be. It's not anyone's right to know, and It doesn't change me as a person. So why announce it? Why do people deserve to know?

Society has a way of making people believe that getting married and having kids is the only path to happiness. But I truly believe that there are other things to be happy for. I don't know if total acceptance will ever be possible, but I know that I am the only one that needs to accept me. Lately I've been feeling that I don't need you anymore. I don't need acceptance anymore. So why am I not out of the closet? I was never in the closet. I am not trapped behind 3 walls and a door just because people don't know my sexual orientation. I am free.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous.

p.s just a rant.

2009-06-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

The Bitter Bachelor?

Dear World,

So I am sitting here in bed trying to figure out what to blog about. As I lay here semi distracted by computer games and television, I realize what has been bothering me for quite some time. Because I'm usually the only person who is constantly single, I am always the go to guy when someone "breaks up." I love being there for my friends, being a shoulder for them to cry on, but at the same time I just want to be like "I'm too busy to talk right now." But I really don't have the heart to do that.

You guys are all probably wondering why I'm such an asshole, but I feel a lot of times people call me is because their significant other is busy, out of town, or their broken up. Like Jennifer Aniston would put it, it's really "uncool." My best friend Katie, who I have mentioned very little about on this blog, recently broke up with her boyfriend. Suddenly she is free again, and wants to hang out all the time. Which is cool, but I feel like she is hanging out with me because she has isolated herself from everyone, and now that her boyfriend is not here anymore she'll have to settle with second best. In this case, me. And when she asks me for advice on how to handle the break up she always says "you will never understand." And sometimes I really just want to shake her because she has no idea what I've been through. She still has no idea that I am gay and that I was in a relationship for awhile.

I think for us gays, who are in the closet, we are always "single." So when everyone flocks away goo goo eyed in love, we are always left behind and nobody ever realizes. And then when the love turns sour, we are always there to be a friend. I just want some people to be more aware of their actions. When you just abandon someone for another person, it's annoying. Some people are so dependent on a significant other, it's disgusting. People are not ready to date until they are completely capable of being single, because there is a fine line between wanting to be in a relationship and needing to be in a relationship. And I feel like a handful of these people NEED to be in a relationship.

I don't appreciate being called when your boyfriend is too busy, and then when we finally hang out, you leave me half way because your boyfriend is suddenly free. I always give people a standard honeymoon phase where love makes you stupid, but after awhile it's really no excuse. Am I a bitter bachelor? probably. But either way, I deserve to be respected. So to all of you people who have boyfriends/girlfriends, be aware of the friends that were there for you before you were in love. Because when you fall out of it, some people won't be there to catch you.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-06-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

It's Like Wine, I Can Drink but not all the Time

By Steven Klein

2009-06-13T01:16:00.000-07:00

Let the Church Bells Ring

Dear World,

So I mentioned before that I was invited to Nick's (my ex-boyfriend) commitment ceremony with his current boyfriend, Danny. I got an invitation via a facebook event......... traditional I know. How awkward is this? I was sitting there debating if I should put "attending" "not attending" or "maybe." My gut was telling me to click "not attend" but then I thought he is going to think I'm really immature. And if this was his way of making me jealous, denying his invitation would just confirm it. I don't support this ceremony/wedding thing at all, not because I'm some bitter ex-boyfriend cause I'm definitely not, but because this relationship is so fucked up, and let me tell you why.

A couple of months ago Nick caught his boyfriend cheating on him! I heard through the grape vine that Danny met up with some random guy over facebook, and they had sex. Gross. How could you date someone like that anyways? And let me tell you, Danny, is 30 years old, ten years older then Nick. They are just at different points in their lives. Of course Danny wants to settle down, he is so much older. And trust me, he has the mark of a man going through a mid-life crisis. And by "mark" I mean a super botoxed face. Now I know why he's living in his car, because he used all his money on botox. Every time he takes a picture he strikes this really awkward fierce pose. It's a cross between a frightened deer and a startled girl. But that's besides the point.

I honestly don't know why Nick wants me there. I feel like Lauren Conrad, except I'm not getting paid thousands of dollars to attend this wedding. I can't stand the sight of Nick. When I look at him, I just see that imagine of him crying on my lawn begging me not to leave him (to learn more about this click here). But I've decided to just go. I guess it could be fun, free alcohol. Just come and show him how much I've changed. I'll bring a boy, a hot one too from my fraternity. A lot of the guys in my fraternity would get a kick out of going to a gay ceremony and wouldn't ask too many questions if I told them free booze. Maybe I can convince my dad to let me take the Bentley.

So I'm going to go. Maybe their commitment/marriage will work out? Who knows? Because really the only people that understands their relationship is them. And if they really feel the need to commit to each other, then go right ahead. Who am I to judge? I just feel absolutely nothing for him, nothing but disgust. He has screwed me over in so many ways. This was a really immature post, but I don't care. Suck it.

Anonymous

2009-06-09T00:33:00.000-07:00

Out for Blood

By Steven Klein

p.s If you want to exchange links, just email me + bookmark me. : )

2009-06-07T03:11:00.000-07:00

Wedding Bells......Of Doom

Dear World,

Nick, my Ex-boyfriend, just invited me to his commitment ceremony!!!!! AWKWARD! and unexpected. Sorry that's all I can really say for now because I am so busy with testing. Take this as an extensive twitter update. (except I don't even use my twitter account) More on this later.

For now, one of my favorite pass time songs (to your right):
The Boys of Summer- Ataris

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-06-05T03:33:00.000-07:00

Straightened my Ways

P.S. In reference to my Tyler post yesterday......since when was he 16????? OH GOD, SO ILLEGAL!

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-06-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

Would You Make Me Number 1 on Your Playlist?
Dear World,

First, I have no idea what the twilight craze is about but I'm closer to understanding why after stumbling upon this poster. Why is Robert Pattinson getting all of the attention?! Team Tyler Lautner all the way. But yea, finals week! Wish me luck.
Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-06-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Paolo Nutini- Candy

Sorry, I'm busy right now so for now, just enjoy this music video. There is a caliente little love scene at the end of you are patient.

Peace and Love
Anonymous

2009-05-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie

FLY by Tiziano Magni
Model: Boris Kolesnikov

Its that wonderful time of the month, and by that I don't mean my period. TESTING!!! I wanted to post this other editorial up, but its really risque...maybe next time. But you'll know what I'm talking about when they're up. Also, if you wanted to exchange links, please email me your link, with my blog already linked on yours. Wow, I said "link" like 4 times in one sentence.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-05-23T01:13:00.000-07:00

Give Me Yo Digits

Dear World,

So I get asked frequently how many views I get per day. When people first asked me this question I felt like I was disclosing my waist size or something along those lines. But now, I can really careless how many people out there are viewing my blog. I do this for me, and if people are reading then thats only a plus. I owe a lot of my success to Matt from Debriefing the Boys who did a post about my blog like a year ago. (Click Here if you want to see it). But if people insist on knowing, yesterday I got 713 views, but on average I get about 599 views. Page views and visits total I have 156,446. There you go! Hope this satisfies your curiosity, although all you really had to do was just scroll to the bottom and click on the thing that says "sitemeter."

Matt, I don't know if you are reading this, I know this is long overdue, but I truly thank you. I know I've sent you emails, but my blog would not of reached its potential without your help. I was about to give up on blogging until I realized that someone out there had faith in me. If you never made that post, I don't think my blog would be where it is now. For those readers who read my blog from the beginning in April 2008, you guys can tell how much I've changed. Even though I'm still in the closet, I have changed so much. My blog has changed completely from one that was just a sob story to one where I can actually pull morals out of small events in my life. (I still need to find my old posts....because I deleted it.....oops)

But I really would like to thank you guys for all of your support. My blog is getting more popular each day, and for reasons I don't even know. I just write the things that linger in my mind as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, and if people can appreciate those thoughts, loosing sleep was well worth it. All in all, I think we need more gay bloggers out there who let their voice be heard. Although blogging isn't exactly the most pretentious venue to gain attention, it's a start, and I can appreciate anybody out there who lets themselves be vulnerable to other people's opinions that ,at times, can be really scathing and hurtful. However, the majority of the people out there are kind and supportive and this completely overshadows the negative. We need more gay bloggers, and by gay bloggers I mean the ones that talk about their life experiences to help open the eyes of people who are so blinded. I find that the most popular gay blogs out there, with the exception of a very few, are porn blogs. I mean yea, porn blogs are great and all, but I feel like we need more blogs out there like Debriefing the Boys, that attempt to shine a light on something that is often forgotten about. So if you are sitting here, reading this, and you have a story to tell, I encourage you to express it. And if you need help getting started, let me know!

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-05-22T01:08:00.000-07:00

Beat and Exhausted

"Echt Jamie Dornan"
photography by James Houston
Feld Hommes F/W 2007
Credit: Giovanni at modelhommes

So yea, I am tired beyond belief right now. I've been running around all day getting my shit together. Hope to write soon!

-Anonymous

2009-05-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

Can I take you Call?

I used to be apologetic about these image heavy posts, but I really enjoy these posts, so no more apologies. Also, I have no idea who the photographer for these photos are, so if someone knows please let me know. Also, a blog of note, click on the link below to view A Breath Of Fresh Air. This guy never stops and blogs just because he wants to. Stop by and say Hi. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW! (yes, that was a threat)

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-05-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

The Cancer that Isn't you

Dear World,

As you all know I love giving advice to people, and most of the reason why I started this blog was to help people through their problems. I recently received an email from a reader that I find extremely touching, and he asked me for some advice. Here is what his email read:

" Dear Anonymous,

I first wanted to tell you that I love your blog, and it keeps me entertained on my most boring nights. But I saw from your older posts that you gave people advice, and I really need yours at the moment. I hope I don't bore you with my story. So when I was 17 I came out to my conservative parents, and it basically tore our family apart. My parents refuse to believe that I am gay. But I always seem to make things worse and worse. I am 18 now, and I am in love. I have never felt this way about a boy before in my life. One day my boyfriend came over to my house because the parents weren't home. My boyfriend went up into my room, and we started making out. Things got really passionate. I started to undress my boyfriend, I took of his shirt and started kissing his neck, and my mom walked into my room. My mom had forgotten her purse while going to the market and had to go back home, she decided to walk into my room to ask me if I needed anything at the grocery. My mom was heartbroken, I could see it in her face. She walked out, and left the house. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I was even welcomed in this house anymore. ITs horrible at home now. My sister loves me for who I am and is constantly budding heads with my mom, my dad doesn't care which makes my mom mad. My brother seems ashamed of me. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I want to leave, but I don't want to hurt my sister. But I don't want to be a cancer in this home. Please give me any advice that you can, or just respond to this email, I really just need someone to talk to, I have no one.

love,
Ryan
"

Dear Ryan,

Please don't think like that. I know it is horrible knowing that your family is going through some rough times. What I'm about to say to you, may seem shocking at first but I'm going to give you my honest opinion. Your mom sounds like she is having a tough time with this, and its been a year. I don't know what your relationship with her is like, but I'm going to assume that she won't change, even though she might, I don't know. But lets say she doesn't change. I honestly think, you shouldn't care. If she can't love you, someone else will. I know for a fact that you can find at least someone that loves you for who you are. Your family isn't being torn apart by you, you shouldn't think of it like that. Your family is being torn apart because your mom and your brother refuse to accept you. It is their narrow mindedness that is a cancer, not you. You didn't change. And if your mom can't love you, again, someone else will. You can make a difference in someone's life, you just need to find your potential. Don't let this hold you down, you are much further ahead in the coming out process then I am. You should be proud of yourself just for that. it takes a lot of courage. I look up to you for enduring the things you endure. I'm the coward refusing to come out. I should be asking you for advice. But please know, you always have a friend here, email me anytime you'd like. Again, if anyone out there needs advice please email me at coolguy4192@yahoo.com. And don't worry I don't publish any emails without the person's consent.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-05-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

Some Live for the Bill Some Die for the Bill
Dear World,

How is everyone doing? First, shout out to Aek the blogger of "The Masks We Wear" for being a loyal reader. Thanks for all of your feedback. So stop by and tell him Anonymous from Picture Perfect sent you there.

So to keep it straight forward this post is about money, and the role it plays in my life. My Dad came from nothing, I was born into NOTHING. My Dad used to sleep with a mag light under his pillow just in case someone broke in through our window bars. The thing about window bars is that if there was a fire, there really would be no way out if the doors were blocked off. So it makes me really angry when people pass judgements about me because I have money. But thats not the point I'm trying to make right now, maybe another time?

As we all know, the American economy is at an all time low. Unemployment rate is at about 10%, the highest its ever been. But keep in mind, unemployment rate does not include people not actively seeking work for 2 weeks and institutionalized people, so it's probably a lot higher if we included these people. Although it hasn't been made explicit by my parents I can tell that something is wrong, financially that is. My Dad has an amazing fleet of cars, including a Mercedes S class, a Bentley Convertible, a Bentley Arnage, and a Range Rover for the mom. We probably spend more money on cars, then we do on our own home, however our house is also pretty extravagant. We have gate guards, guest rooms, offices, and even a library. But this economy has been taking its toll on our family. The Mercedes was recently sold, which I find very strange, my Dad loves his cars more then he loves his own children. I can finally park in the garage, which is also strange. Furniture is beginning to disappear, our house is becoming emptier and emptier.

My mom recently went to the bank to withdraw some of her jewelry, for no good reason at all. The only time she ever goes to the bank to retrieve her jewelry is when she has some formal event to attend or to sell it. And because she had no special event to attend, I'm assuming she pawned some of her jewelry. I don't think we're poor, I just think my parents are preparing because they know something is happening. And many people who ask me about how I feel about the situation, I can tell you that I can careless. Well of course I care a little because its kind of nerve racking not knowing how much more furniture will disappear, how many more cars will go away, etc. I am nervous because I don't know how extensive this can get. But I know first hand that money can't buy you happiness. Wasn't that made obvious by my friend, who lived in the same opulence as me, who committed suicide? Money is an added bonus to a life that is already fulfilling. I know first hand, that money can buy friends, can buy cars, can by beauty but all of these things have something in common, its all fake. Money can't buy you anything real. Money tricks people into believing that they have it made, when really the only reason why the old man is married to a hot leggy big breasted women is because she wants his cash. Money will let you believe what you want to believe.

Even if the money suddenly disappeared tomorrow, I would still be perfectly content with my life. My family gets along, we have food on the table, we'll always have a home, etc if anything it would bring us closer together. The reason why I want to be a lawyer is because I want to be an advocate for gay rights and or minority rights. Money may be an added bonus. People have this false impression that I have no problems because I have money. Well guess what guys, my money sits in the bank and collects dust. It does absolutely nothing to make my situation better. When I have to live my life in secrecy hiding the one thing that makes me who I am, I can't just run to the store to buy an extra large box of "acceptance." I can't buy foam to fill the emptiness that I feel sometimes because the world tells me that its wrong. I can't use money to save my best friend from his suicide. I can't buy sobriety to all my friends we have lost control of their lives from drugs and alcohol. So to all you people who say I have no problems because I have money.....FUCK YOU.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

2009-05-11T03:05:00.000-07:00

Give me a Blackeye Please
Dear World,

Fashion Forward: Dior Homme Dazed & Confused March 2007
Styled by: Nicola Formichetti
Model: Sean Opry
Hair: Peter Gray at Untitled
Makeup: Anami Nishimura at Jed Root
Photographer: Mariano Vivanco

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s if you haven't read my previous post about the facebook, I mentioned how I would make a facebook only if I get feedback from you guys. I don't want to make a facebook for no good reason, so let me know if you guys want it!

2009-05-10T00:20:00.000-07:00

The Madonna and Cher Love Child

Dear World,

So there is this guy at school, who stalks me. I know you might think I am vein for making such a claim, but it's true. (LOL). This is how it all began.......Every so often my University does this club rush type of event, where a bunch of clubs set up booths and try to raise some money for themselves. As I was walking, I was stopped by this flaming gay guy. Flaming would be an under statement, he was like a human gay parade. If Madonna and Cher defied the laws of science and had a baby, this guy would be that love child. So he stopped me, and tried to get me to play this wheel of fortune type of game. Of course I asked him if it was going to cost me anything, he said it didn't so I just went along with it. I spun the wheel and I didn't win anything................................................................................................but a hug.

I really didn't want to hug him, but he was so quick to hug me I couldn't refuse, or fight him off. It was like the gay parade stampeded over me. After what seemed to be the longest hug, he finally let go and I just went my way, thinking that would be the last of him.

Two days later: I see that same guy at the school coffee shop.

three days later: I see him in the parking lot.

At first I just thought it was a coincidence because we do go to the same school, and shit like that would be expected to happen. And I thought maybe I'm just noticing him now because of that wheel of fortune fiasco. Brushed it off, and continued walking. So now I'm in class, and of course I don't pay attention and decided to log onto facebook instead. "+1 friend request" I love it when I get friend requests, who doesn't? I open it up, turns out the gay parade wants to be my friend. How the hell did he find me?! This school has more then 10,000 students. So I accepted him because I figured us gays need to stick together. After I accepted him, I immediately get a message from him saying "I run into you A LOT." I think he met, "I follow you a lot" because running into me means it was an accident. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I refuse to believe that its a coincidence. Don't you guys think I would've noticed a gay parade walking right by me? Or a Madonna and Cher love child? I highly doubt that I've been running into this guy before and recently started to take notice, because I would've noticed.

I looked through his facebook and one of his default pictures is of him, with no shirt on (kind of chubby) with a police belt around his waste, a baton in one hand, the other hand on his hip and the caption red "Police slut." I gagged a little. I guess I'll be nice, and if he tries to approach me in person I'll be cool with him, but I don't want him to get the wrong idea either. I'm sure he is really nice, but I can't date a guy like that. I need someone who is much more mellow, someone who can refer to himself as a police slut........no can do.

Ever since he sent me that message, whenever we run into each other, there is tons of tension. Sexual tension for him, just awkward tension for me. Thats too bad too because I wouldn't mind dating again. I just need to attract the right people. Now I feel like I'm being judgemental because I don't know him at all, but he is just coming on really strong. With the messages, the hugging, the following, etc. Maybe he just wants a friend? Who knows....I'm just going to go with the flow like I usually do. So for anybody who wants to date me out there, no police slut. But yea, just thought i'd share.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s Because we were on the topic of facecbook, how many of you guys would appreciate me having a facebook page for my blog? Please leave me feedback, if I don't get any feedback I'm not going to waste my time making a facebook page. : )

p.p.s also I haven't been receiving as many emails as I used to, and it's probably because I haven't been replying to many. But to those of you that I haven't replied to, I appreciate all of your emails and apologize for not being able to respond. Please keep them coming.

2009-05-07T02:44:00.000-07:00

Drowning Myself In a Sea Of Work

Dear World,

How is everyone doing? So lately, I've been finding that my mind has been fluttering from one place to the next. Its like I suffer from ADHD. As for blog topics go, I find it hard to think of anything meaningful. Of course it would be so easy for me just to find porn and paste them all over my blog, but this blog wasn't made for that. But anyways, this is what I wanted to talk about today.

So I met up with my cousin Gabriel last weekend. We went out for lunch over on Pacific Coast Highway, around the Laguna Beach area, to catch up. I hadn't spoken to him in like a year, only because there is a large age gap. He is 30 and married, looking forward to having kids. Which I personally think is weird because I still look at him like a kid. But yea He asked me what I was up to, and usually whenever anyone asks this question I talk about school, and how busy I am with work and all of that good stuff. And then he preceded to ask me about my love life, and I said non-existent.

He was shocked because, according to him, I had everything going. "good looks, big dreams, and a good family." and I said "look man, stop harassing me, I'm gay, okay?" ......yea right, in my dreams. What I really said was "I have barely anytime for my own family, what makes you think I have time for a girlfriend? and besides I enjoy being single. I don't want a girl holding me back. I've always been like that. Career first love later." and he kept telling me the joys of being married, and I really don't care for it. Its not because I'm gay and can't get married and shit like that, but I truly do enjoy being single. I love being independent, not having anyone wait on me, and just doing whatever I want. For the rest of lunch we just talked about life, and what I was looking forward to after my first 4 years of college.

So, when lunch was over we both got into our cars and went our separate ways. On the drive home I began to think. Do I really want to be single all my life? Is it that I TRUELY want to be in a relationship but I've lied to myself so much that I've convinced myself otherwise? My answer to that is, who knows? I have no idea what I want, relationship wise that is. A wise man once told me, "you use pencil cause you are afraid of commitment." And from that point on I started using pen. Okay so back on topic, (jeez I really can't focus). I know exactly what I want for my career future. I know exactly what I'm going to do in meticulous detail, but when it comes to my love life its all a blur. It's like I'm drunk all the time, and everything is swaying and fuzzy. I seriously wonder sometimes, do I keep myself extremely busy with work as a coping mechanism, as a way to keep my mind off of an underlying loneliness? Or is it just that conventional society has me tricked into believing that I need to be with someone when I get old. I DON'T KNOW! I am so confused.

Don't get me wrong, its not like I have no friends. I have tons of friends, but friends are friends. This is a different type of loneliness.

I've always thought, If i find him I'll find him, If i don't I won't. I feel like this is tough for everyone, gays and straights. But I feel like my odds would be so much better if I was straight. Maybe its cause I'm picky. Maybe its cause I enjoy being single. Maybe its cause I don't have time. There are so many possibilities. So now I am left here to think, am I swimming or drowning in this sea of work?

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

2009-04-29T01:01:00.000-07:00

peace and love,
Anonymous

p.s can you tell how busy I am?

Photography

2009-04-25T04:28:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

If you couldn't tell by my posts, I am currently really busy. One of my passions is photography. Although I am not a photography I can really appreciate a good photo. Here are some photos from one of my favorite photographers. (Photo Credit: Greg Kadel)

peace and love,
Anonymous

2009-04-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

(Make sure you change the video to High QUALITY!)

Dear world,

So on thursday my dear Mom tried to cheer me up by buying me tickets to the Britney Spears concert. To be honest, I think she used that as an excuse so she could tag along and pretend to be young. Ahh yes, the joys of the midlife crisis. But hey, I'm not complaining she bought 7 tickets, 3 for her friends and herself and the rest for me and my friends. Thanks mom, thanks for letting me see you and your friends get drunk and dance. We had V.I.P seating, so we were away from the crowds, and had our own booths. It's a good thing that she got us a booth too because people were either being trampled by crazy brit fans, or getting guy on guy lap dances. Yea, that would've been awkward if I was with my mom and some dude was getting a lap dance next to me. But that's besides the point. I'm not really a big fan of Britney, but her concert was a spectacle. Super intense, from the lighting, the carnies, to her wardrobe. That video that was playing above this, was soo hot. I would definitely go straight for her. Below is the her grand entrance. Make sure you change the videos to high quality.Watch it! Or you'll be out of the loop! Or should I say Circus?

and there's more

peace and love,
Anonymous

p.s I really can careless if she is lip syncing, in the end she is entertaining, thats what I came there for. And, if you want to exchange links please email me at Coolguy4192@yahoo.com.

2009-04-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

I usually don't find him attractive because he looks like a girl sometimes with those perfect eyes, and those perfectly trimmed eyebrows, but he looks really good here.

peace and love,
Anonymous

99 Stupid questions about me

2009-04-19T03:37:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

I didn't do the last question cause you guys can ask me anything <3

1 - When was the last time you cried?	*A couple of days ago.*
2 - Have you ever faked sick?	*Umm, basically the story of my life in elementary school. I don't know if my mom fell for it, or if its because she liked my company at home.*
3 - What was the last lie you said?	*"oh yeaaa, I'm totally straight. Love them ladies"*
4 - Have you ever cried during a movie?	*Nope, I'm really insensitive.*
5 - Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?	*This girl waiting in line at the movies. She was soooo pretty.*
6 - Have you ever danced in the rain?	*No, thats weird, the neighbors would call the cops.*
7 - Have you ever been drunk?	*No.............(I should change number 3, on the last lie I've told).*
8 - Have you ever tried tried drugs?	*nope, the one thing I am proud of.*
9 - Do you smoke?	*Nope......I saw someone's lungs collapse before. No thanks.*
10 - What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?	*I was dared to play with a Quija Board. That was really crazy to me...because I don't fuck around with that kind of shit.*
11 - What is your full name?	*hehehe, wouldn't you like to know.*
12 - What is your blood-type?	*O positve, call me, beep me, if you need to reach me I'd happily donate.*
13 - Have you ever been in a car accident?	*R.I.P Mocha*
14 - How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?	*16, I think.*
15 - Who was your first kiss?	*It was with a girl..........*
16 - Have you ever had an online relationship?	No, but you'd be surprised. Having this blog has made people really inclined to want to date me. No pictures of me what so ever. What if I was a 70 year old man.....I guess my words are pretty sexual looking...?
17 - Have you ever had phone-sex?	*haha yes, with my ex. It was weird. And I was faking it.*
18 - Have you ever been rejected by a crush?	*Yes, by a girl. Funny thing she asked me out to lunch a couple of days ago. Apparently I wasn't hot enough for her......*
19 - What is your favourite sport to play?	*Swimming*
20 - Have you ever made a prank phone call?	*x67, comes in handy when you need to block a number*
21 - Have you ever said	*said what? I don't get this question.*
22 - What's your favourite childhood memory?	*My Mom and Dad driving me around, taking me to Disneyland and shit like that. Ever since I started driving (3 years ago) I feel so much more distant from my parents.*
23 - Is there anything that you have done that you regret?	*No regrets*
24 - What do you want to be when you grow up?	*An attorney*
25 - What is your political persuassion?	*idk*
26 - Have you ever had cybersex?	*nope.*
27 - Do you believe in g-d?	*I'm definitely Buddhist.*
28 - Do you believe in love at first sight?	*No, thats just lust. Maybe I'm just bitter.*
29 - Do you believe in karma?	*Not really, I feel like bad people get away ALL the time.*
30 - Who was your first crush?	*This chick.*
31 - Who do yo uhave a crush on?	*No one.*
32 - How would you describe yourself?	*Cold*
33 - What are you afraid of?	*Not succeeding, not getting into the right law school.*
34 - Are you religious?	*Religion is basically not a part of my life at all.*
35 - What does your screen name mean?	*It means....nothing.*
36 - What person do you trust the most?	*My best friend.*
37 - Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?	*Nick.*
38 - What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?	*"yea I'd date you"*
39 - What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?	*I had a funny looking face....LOL....wtf I was only in 7th grade, who didn't have a funny fae.*
40 - What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?	*4 months...wow thats sad.*
41 - What is your greatest strength?	*Being there for my friends, being studious. Sorry I couldn't pick on*
42 - What is your greatest weakness?	*Being emotionally distant. I don't really have emotions*
43 - What is your perfect pizza?	*Pepperoni*
44 - What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?	*Pee*
45 - What is your first thought before you go to bed?	*I hope I fall asleep soon.*
46 - What college do you want to go to?	*USC*
47 - Do you get along with your family?	*Yes I do, I love everyone of them with my last dyeing breath.*
48 - Do you play any instruments?	*Nope*
49 - What kind of music do you like?	*Check my older posts, I really don't want to get into it.*
50 - Do you think you're attractive?	*I guess, somewhat*
51 - Would you ever get a tattoo?	*Yea, i've thought about it. Maybe my last name on the side of my torso.*
52 - How many piercings do you have?	*6....none on my face (jk)*
53 - Who makes you laugh?	*Britney Spears*
54 - Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?	*President Obama*
55 - Have you ever seen a dead body?	*Yes..... : (*
56 - Do you have a celebrity crush?	*yes, but for some reason I can't remember right now...*
57 - What is one thing scientists should invent?	*A cure for AIDs*
58 - Have you ever broken a bone?	*I almost didn't want to answer this question because I didn't want to jynx myself but, no.*
59 - What happens after you die?	Well according to some people I would straight to hell. Hey it can't be that bad right? All of us gays and lesbians can hang out together with all of the murderers and stuff. We can drink and keep things clean.
60 - Do you watch or read the news?	*Yes I do. CNN*
61 - What stereotype would you label yourself as being?	*ummm, idk. I'm kind of the opposite of every stereotype, and I am a mix bred. There aren't too many stereotypes for them.*
62 - Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?	*n/a*
63 - If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?	*Gabe, I really like that name. haha*
64 - If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go	*About 30mins from now so would prevent myself from loosing my phone.*
65 - If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?	*My gender. JK, i like being a guy.*
66 - Have you ever gone skinny dipping?	*No, but it sounds fun.*
67 - Have you ever played strip poker?	*no cause I would be naked all the time.*
68 - Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?	*yes......sadly....yes, if it would make them happier.*
69 - What do you want your friends to think about you?	*That im worth it.*
70 - Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?	*With these guys at goodyear. a total smack down.*
71 - HAve you ever bitten someone?	*yes*
72 - When's your birthday?	*can't say*
73 - Have you ever stolen anything?	*no but my exboyfriend did and we all know how that turned out*
74 - Do you make wishes on shooting stars?	*no, i run just in case its an asteroid headed towards earth.*
75 - Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?	*all you can eat buffet in vegas, fucking gross. lol*
76 - If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?	*I would change 9/11. I seriously wonder what life would be like now without that event happening.*
77 - Do you remember your dreams?	*No, they're all pretty blurry.*
78 - Have you ever been in love?	*No, i thought i was.*
79 - Are you a morning person or a night person?	*Night owl.*
80 - Do you have any phobias?	*I have a deathly fear of styrofoam. Don't ask*
81 - What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?	*idk*
82 - Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth?	*yes, when I was really young something about my stomach.*
83 - How many screen names do you have?	3
84 - Do any medical problems run in your family?	*yes plenty. I almost feel like it should've been illegal for my parents to have children.*
85 - Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?	*No way jose.*
86 - Have you ever had a nightmare?	*no, all my dreams are extremely pleasant.*
87 - Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?	*I don't say mean things to anyone. Not to their face at least.*
88 - Would you ever participate in a threesome?	*I'd be open to the idea.*
89 - Would you ever pay for a prostititue?	*I've never heard of not paying one after having sex with one. What would that be called? Dine and Ditch?*
90 - Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?	no
91 - Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?	no
92 - Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?	*no I have full control of my bladder*
93 - Have you ever written a love letter?	*yes.*
94 - Have you ever attempted suicide?	no
95 - Do you prefer boxers or briefs?	*boxer briefs. Like my ethnicity (a mix, for those of you who didn't get it)*
96 - Have you ever been in a fistfight?	No
97 - Do you have any hidden talents?	no
98 - What is one thing you want me to know about you?	*nothing really. Except for the fact that I'm a real person. not a 70 year old man. lol*
99 - What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask?

Rest In Peace.

2009-04-17T01:45:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

Driving to my house you would be greeted by a guard that would pretend that he cared. He'd ask you where you were headed, pretending like he was writing something down, and he'd open the gate for you. As you make the left at the first stop sign you would see a women and her husband walking their dog. They'd turn to you and wave with a smile. As you speed down the street you notice the perfectly trimmed grass, the opulent cars, and the beautiful palm trees that flow in the wind. You make the final turn and you park in front of my house. And just like that, you've let someone die. This is what I did everyday.

You see, my friend, who was my neighbor, was a tortured soul. Living in silence until one day, he decided to break that silence with the sound of a bullet piercing through the quiet of night. I should've known, I should've seen this coming.......but I never did anything. I've cried many nights over this, thinking of all the things that'd he miss out on, all the things that we used to do together. 2 years ago, my friend was involved in a car accident, that claimed the life of a mother. Ever since then, things have never been the same. Consumed by his guilt, he become a distant person.

Before the accident he and I used to do this thing where we would get each other's mail. I don't know why but it was something we always did as a way to make sure our parents never saw our report cards. He'd leave my mail on my porch, and I'd do the same for him. And eventually it became a habit. We would shuffle through all the envelopes to make sure grades weren't in the mail.

I remember how he would ring my door bell in elementary school and we would walk to school together. He was my friend when no one else wanted to be. There was a time after the accident where I tried to be there for him. For a year, I begged him to go the movies with me, to go the beach with me, to go ride our bikes together, but I got nothing. Eventually I gave up, I never knew that by giving up, I let him die. I gave up on him.

I guess life goes on from here, but I'm left here with these shitty circumstances. I wanted to say goodbye, I wasn't ready for this, I wanted to tell you I was gay. I wanted to let you know that people still loved you. People didn't give up on you, you gave up on them! But I was too late. The fact that he killed himself makes me wonder what else I've over looked. I've learned soo much from my friend, how to look at people. How to see deeper into their eyes and to try to learn something from them instead of judging people by their faces.

I pray, that the next time I greet the guards, notice the palm trees flowing in the wind, and the perfectly trimmed grass, I'll try hard not to drive by too quickly because I'll never know all of the little things I might have looked over. Every person has a story to tell, and if you don't give them the time of day, you'll never here it and in the end its your loss. Because One day you'll be waiting for the mail, and it won't come.

-Anonymous

I dedicate my blog song to him, it was his favorite song.

The Music Post: Pt 2

2009-04-05T01:49:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

Many of you have asked me questions about older songs that have been posted on my blog. Well I don't really remember songs that have been on my blog because it's been awhile, but here is my best attempt.

We are Rockstars- Does that Offend you, yea? Last Day of Magic- The Kills

Blind- Hercules and Love Affair Death- White lies

Explode- uh huh her Cherrybomb- Kylie Minogue

It's for you- Out Hud Black Balloon- The Kills

Minus the Bear- Pachucha Dame De Lotus- Emilie

Sunrise Simon

I'm Good, I'm Gone- Lykke Li I Adore You- Melpo Mene

I don't know about you guys, but this post makes me feel really nostolgic. This isn't even close to all of the music that I've had on my blog. But I hope you guys take the time to listen to these songs. They're all amazing if you just give them a chance! I hope music can effect your lives like it does mine! Which ones are your favorites?

-Anonymous

p.s Because I miss all of these songs so much, I'm going to have a random song play (from the playlist above) each day.

Outed, again

2009-04-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

Many of you wanted to know why I was so bitter about Nick, my ex-boyfriend. Well part of the reason why we broke up was because he is kind of stupid, but it also turns out he couldn't stop running his mouth about me. What makes me angry was that I trusted him. When I came out to him, he told me that I could trust him. When it's all said and done, he did hold up to his word. But when things didn't work out he told so many random ass people that I was gay. What I realize about this world is that it is much smaller then you think. You think some people are so far off in another social circle, someone who you think has no connection to your life but you'd be surprised.

Nick told one of my distant cousins I was gay and had a relationship with him. And this distant cousin, is a total crazy girl. She has been out to get me since I was born. Bitter about her baggage she has always wanted dirt on me so that she could basically tarnish my "image" with my family. Nick knew this, and told her anyways. When I found out, I was so angry/ scared. I was scared that my cousin might tell an Aunt, an Aunt my tell an Uncle, an Uncle might tell a Mom or a Dad. I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid. But being gay is a secret that I kept so well on my own, and the moment I trusted someone my secret was compromised. 1 person becomes 2, 2 becomes 4, 4 becomes 16, so on and so fourth. And it is all due to this one person, Nick, someone who told me I could trust him. I have yet to understand why he told me cousin, knowing her hatred for me.

Now you guys might all be wondering why my family sounds so fucked up right now. My Dad's side of the family is highly jealous of my Dad's money, and has always tried to find ways to pinch dollars out of him. My cousin develop this zeal to ruin me, ultimately from her parents. When your parents teach you to hate someone at an early age, they WILL hate that someone. I don't know if Nick planned this, but when I found out I really had no words for Nick. My blood was boiling with anger. I called him, probably said some pointless means things to him, and that was that. I never talked to him for a year. It's sad that our relationship has to end this way, but what can I do? A friendship is based on trust and I can't trust someone like Nick. There are so many things that people don't know about me, and I like it that way. I am not an emotional person, and I like to keep things to myself. For a moment, I thought it was a character flaw and decided to go out on a limb and let go of my emotions. Turns out I've been right all along.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't deleted my older posts so that I can show them to my new readers. Does anyone know how to recover old posts that have been deleted? probably not huh?

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

Back from the Island

2009-03-29T00:46:00.001-07:00

Dear World,

Sorry for being gone, but I was in O'ahu Hawaii. Wohoo. I had so much fun, and some of you asked for pictures. Um, I wish I was sober enough to take any cool pictures. The only pictures I managed to take was some of the ocean, but who the fuck cares about that? And if you do, just google it. And to clarify, my parents did not come to Hawaii with me, if they did I wouldn't of gotten drunk. They bought 4 tickets so that I could take 3 of my friends.

Seriously, I didn't plan on getting drunk all week. I was planning on just laying out on the beach, relaxing. But it just so happened that the hotel I was staying at was also the location for a sorority and fraternity trip from some eastern coast university. So basically, 3 of my closest buds and I were at the hot spot for underage drinking. My friends and I were in a Jacuzzi and these guys invited us to go up to their rooms and party with them, so we did. And honestly, I studied so hard I decided to just go and have fun. Apparently I hooked up with tons of girls.

I don't know what it is, but it is so much easier for me to just hook up with a girl. It happens so easily. And by hook up I mean make out, not sex. That would require sooooo much more alcohol and drugs. Too bad I didn't hook up with any guys. I hear so often of gay guys having gay encounters when they are drunk with guys they didn't know were gay. (Sorry I said gay like 4 times in one sentence) but this has never happened to me! Not even close. What's the deal? What are the signs for when a "straight" guy wants to hook up? Because I would love to be informed. And apparently I have some straight readers. Coooool.

But anyways I really need to recuperate, I have school in like a day. My parents asked me what I did all week, and I just played into the Hawaii stereotype. "Um yea, I went to the beach, we went to a Luau, and thats about it" So much for recharging! I feel like I need another week to take a break.

Also, the current song right now, is sooo good. Go Ciara and Justin Timberlake. I honestly don't even know if I spelled their names right, but I am too lazy to care. Hope you like it as much as I do.

-Anonymous

Hawaii!

2009-03-23T00:51:00.001-07:00

Dear World,

Sorry for being gone for awhile. I just needed time to unwind. So I promised everyone to update people on shit that happened while I went on that 4 month hiatus, BUT there is just one problem. My parents surprised me with a wonderful trip to Hawaii. I am typing all of this up via Iphone right now, and will get back to you guys as soon as I get back.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

The God Questions

2009-03-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

Remember what I asked you "if you could ask God one question, what would it be?" Well here are some of the responses that I got. So just imagine for a second, that God had an email or something, and this is basically what some people want to know. And I have a confession, when I was reading these emails, being the apparently self centered person that I am, I thought these questions were for me, forgetting that these questions are for "God." so when someone asked, "Do you even exist?" I was thinking, what the fuck? What kind of a stupid question is that...."No, I actually don't exist, this is a blog, run by a ghost." but anyways here you go. Oh yea, I also forgot, follow me on twitter! I just made an account, you can click the hyperlink on the right hand side that says "twitter me." (It's above the music video). Okay, one last thing I swear, if you feel like playing God, please feel free to answer any of these questions in the comment box, just be sure to specify which question you are answering.

Thanks for the input! But, after reading some of these questions I had to ask myself, "really, just one question, and you would ask him that?"

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

2009-03-13T01:48:00.000-07:00

Dear World

I am so sorry for all the image heavy posts, but I am swamped with finals. One more week and then I really have no excuse now do I? But when I am back, I want to spend some time to fill you guys in on all the things that've happened to me on that 4 month hiatus I decided to go on. But with that, I would like to leave you with these photos of Mary-Kate Olsen. Just because I am gay doesn't mean I can't appreciate a pretty women, and I think she looks so good in these photos. Oh yea, this is her spread from ,I think, Canada's Fashion Magazine. But yea, keep the emails coming, coolguy4192@yahoo.com or message me on my contact forum. I love you guys, thanks for reading! Really, thanks for being a part of my life and keeping my secrets.

Also, sometimes I tend to loose sight of what this blog is all about. This is really is kind of a support group for people who need advice, help, a friend. I don't want this blog to be completely all about me. I want to hear your stories! And I think many other people want to hear them too! So if you have a story to tell I think people would love to hear it or if you need my help....chances are someone else has the same exact problem. And I know I can't respond to EVERYONE's emails and I try to do my best with that, but please bare with me. But do know that I read every single one of them, and appreciate them all.

peace and love,
Anonymous

2009-03-11T03:20:00.000-07:00

peace and love,
Anonymous

The Straight World

2009-03-06T02:13:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

Over the past couple of days while wondering around campus I've just been noticing a plethora of very attractive men. Which makes me so much more motivated to stay on campus. So while searching for a table in the library I bump into this really attractive black guy. Usually I'm not attracted to black guys, but today I guess I was. He had this boyish charm, kind of like Chris Brown and he had such a cute/gay smile which was what gave him away to me. We both ended up in the elevator together, and he kept smiling at me. He was in soccer gear might I add, which made him even more attractive because it meant he was into sports. But I only had 6 floors to enjoy his company, and once the elevator stopped that was the last time I saw him. Kind of sad I know, but what can you do? That's what happens when you're gay. You can't make a move because you run the risk of hitting on a straight guy. In a gay world, I would've already had his number, but in a straight world you just walk away.

Another instance, today, I had a meeting for my fraternity. Yes I am in a fraternity now. And sat next to the cutest Asian guy. And again, I don't usually find asian guys attractive but this guy had a boyish charm to him too. And then I realized I'm into boyish looking guys. (5mins later) Okay so after rereading my post, I realize that I sound like a total pedophile for emphasizing "boyish charm" and let me tell you now, I am not a pedophile lol. I'm not really sure how to describe more explicitly what boyish charm is, but for the sake of time I'll just assume that you guys know what I'm talking about. But yea me and Asia sat next to each other in our meeting and although he did seem a little too put together to be straight, I really think he was just metro. So really, going after this guy would of been a lost cause. Let me tell you, going after a straight guy, although very seductive, always is a let down. You always hope that there be a chance that he is gay, and you reason with yourself all the "clues" but I've learned not to fool myself. (Caution: Irrelevant picture approaching, just so that my post isn't so bland)

Which leads me to another point. It is so hard for gays to find people in this world designed for straight people. I guess you can say we are the lefties of society. Maybe its cause I'm not immersed within the gay community, but there are so many more rules for a gay person. You can never act on impulse for one, because if you do you might get punched in the face. Whereas if a straight guy, out of impulse, went after a girl and she turned out to be a lesbian it would just be amusing, maybe even a turn on. Or if a girl went after a gay guy, she would be let down at first, but they'd end up being best friends. But if a gay guy went after a straight guy, he would either leave with a black eye, or a very injured pride. I mean, this doesn't apply to everything but I'm just speaking generally. Something to think about .....

Peace and love,
Anonymous

p.s I realized that it has become way too difficult to respond to people's emails. So this whole no comments thing isn't going to work for me anymore. Although please keep sending me emails if you want to be more personal, however save the little opinions for the comments. Because I'm being flooded with random emails of things like "That was a good post." and trust me if you get like 10 of the same ones, going through the motion of clicking the email, reading it, and then trashing it, takes a long time.

The Time Machine

2009-03-02T02:33:00.001-08:00

Dear World,

I barely even get to catch a break before finals decides to rear its ugly head. So right now my eyes are stinging because I've been reading too much. They feel dry, heavy, and uncomfortable and I can't wait to sleep. Okay now on to the things I really want to talk about.

Anyways, lately I've been feeling like everyone is moving on with their lives. I feel like everyone is either a couple or too busy getting wasted every night. Being in the closet and single leaves this sense of loneliness that lingers in the back of my mind. I am extremely independent, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like the world is moving on without me. People seem to care less and less about friends and more and more about their significant other. The gay people that I do know are too caught up with the "scene" and are too busy mad dogging other gays for me to even care. So where does that leave me? It leaves me with my aspirations and goals. If I can't change someone's life, in the way that a lover does for his significant other, I will change someone's life in another way. Which is why I am going to Thailand this summer to teach english! But really, sometimes I question my own motive. Am I really doing this out of the goodness of my heart? Or am I just killing time to keep my mind off of this lingering loneliness?

I like to believe that one day I will do a lot of good. But right now, it seems like being your best, comes at a cost. I always wonder where will I be in 15, 20 years. Will I be in love? Is falling in love really what defines someone's life? Because as of now, I haven't had too much luck in that department. Sometimes I worry about this. Especially when more and more of my friends are becoming more distant. I like to believe, that in the future, I will have my law firm like my Dad. Have other people work for me, and just go traveling and do humanitarian stuff. Falling in love has never been a part of my blueprint of life. Do I really need a significant other to be happy? or will this be enough? But I think the real question is, where are all the goodmen?

Peace and love
Anonymous

The Music Post

2009-02-25T01:15:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

A lot of people have suggested that I do a music post, so here you go, my music post. These are the artist scheduled to play at Coachella. Although there are a lot more bands coming, these are the ones that I am looking forward to seeing the most. However, I missed one artist her name is Lykke Li, I lover her music, and you guys should check her out. In fact, if you listen carefully, her song is featured on my blog right now.

I hope that helps in your quest for new music. Opinions???

Peace and love,
Anonymous

p.s I forgot to mention, I might become a "frat boy." Thats kind of weird to say, but wish me luck.

The Life Post: The Umbrella

2009-02-23T01:52:00.001-08:00

Dear World,

So years ago, when I was in 7th grade there was this week of just relentless rain. On the first day of rain I remember bringing an umbrella to school, thinking nothing of it. So I was just walking to my locker when all of a sudden some "bro" walking passed me mumbles to his friend "What a fag." (gesturing to my umbrella.) I remember thinking, how does carrying an umbrella make me a fag? It just didn't make sense and it still doesn't. I remember this event so vividly because I literally didn't carry an umbrella for years because I didn't want to be called a fag. So now, me and that "bro" just lived our lives knowing of each other, but never talking to one another. He never knew that I heard.

I hate how immature people were in Junior high, it was pretty unrelenting when I was at that age. People asked me, almost everyday, if I was gay. I think I was more obvious then, because coming from elementary school, these things didn't matter. I didn't really transition well because I was used being carefree in elementary school. But when Junior High came rolling around people became more aware of their sexual beings, and I guess were curious of other people's sexuality as well. Junior high was one of the lowest points of my life, because all I wanted was to just fit. And it came so easily for other people.

When high school came around the talking stopped, the curiosity wasn't so apparent. Maybe its cause people didn't care anymore? Maybe because I was better at hiding it? But people were really receptive of me. And at the same time I had support from my peers. People didn't care anymore, and neither did I. I graduated in the year of 2007, and my legacy still lives on at that school through my work, programs, and clubs.

But last week, I came to this realization. And let me tell you how. Last week in California, there were some pretty intense rains. Most intense rain we've had in awhile. And by now, I carry an umbrella regardless of what people may or may not think. I literally have to walk about a mile to get to class from the parking garage, and the walk might just drown me if I didn't have an umbrella. (note, I did not reason with myself in order to realize I needed to carry an umbrella, its not something I'm self conscious about like I was before) But while walking I stumbled upon that "bro" without an umbrella, what an idiot I thought. He was soaking wet. But something got into me, and I walked by him and nudged my head telling him to come here. He looked shocked, but nonetheless he accepted my gesture. So we walked to class together, about half a mile away, underneath that same umbrella that he called me a fag for carrying 6 years ago.

What did I learn from this? Many things. We never know how hurtful our words can be. Like bullets they can't be taken back. His 2 second, probably impulse sentence, kept me from doing a simple thing like carrying an umbrella. And till this day, I go out of my way trying to make people's lives better. I despised this guy for being so unfair and hateful. But I've realized that people grow up. With my experience of high school to now being in college, I've realized that the world is changing, and hopefully it will be a better one. I live my life, worrying about being outed, being suspected and I don't know why. But hopefully like the kids from the class of 2007, I can change to.

Peace and love,
Anonymous

p.s The current song is dedicated to this post because of the line that is repeated throughout the song. "This fears gotta hold on me"

p.s.s don't forget to email me your thoughts via my contact forum or at coolguy4192@yahoo.com because my comments are disabled!

Holy Crap

2009-02-19T21:26:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

Holy crap I am finally done with testing, for now. Throughout that whole process I learned two things.

1. Never cram, it is one of the worse decisions you can make in your life. I literally had no time for anything or anyone else in my life. I fell off the radar, and trust me having no time to even take care of yourself has its consequences. Let me elaborate. So as the weeks went by, and I was slammed with testing week after week, my hair started growing out. It became too long to manage, and with the last test approaching I didn't want to deal with it. I usually go to this salon that costs like 50 dollars a cut, but its one of those salons where you have to book weeks in advance to get an appointment. And because I had no patients, time, or will power to manage my long ass hair I just swung by some random salon. it cost like 10 dollars, and with times like these I really need to skimp out on things. And yea, to be short, my hair is fucked up. Like really fucked up. I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

2. Nick is dating a 30 year old man. Okay, so this has no relevance to the things I would learn from testing, but it was new information that I happened to have stumbled upon during testing. For those of you who don't know, Nick was my first boyfriend, and he is 20 now. This came to me as a shock because a 30 year old guy, although not that old, why would he be dating someone 10 years older then him? I thought for a second, this guy, Nick's "boyfriend," lets call him, Joe already has a job he probably wants to get settled and all that great 30 year old stuff. Basically they are at different points in their life, so how would that work? But then I thought some more, Nick is barely even in school he has all the time in the world to go settle down with some random guy. He is so afraid of being alone. And then I realized Nick is such a loser! He finally found someone who is equally as desperate, it's like they are perfect for each other. And before all you readers accuse me for still liking Nick because I am talking about his new boyfriend, you all know you do it too. I just want to know what's up, so everyone can calm their tities down.

Also, many of you have asked me why I disabled my comments. Well there is also 2 reasons for that too.
1. I am sooo over bloggers trying to promote their blog on my blog, if you want me to look at your blog and potentially exchange links, please just email me. But I hate getting those comments where its like "OH MY GOD ME TOO, BLAH BLAH....www.blahblah.blogspot.com."
2. I like receiving emails more, people are more personal, and I am much more likely to respond to those.

So as of now, I am exhausted and all I want to do is finish up some of this reading, and then rest. And then start going to the gym again. But the long image heavy posts are over, for now. But when finals come prepare for them again.

Peace and love,
Anonymous

p.s you can contact me either directly by email at coolguy4192@yahoo.com. Oh and I almost forgot, when you do email me, please leave me a link to your blog! I love reading what my readers write about, if that makes sense. And please don't hesitate to email me, I love reading through emails in class, or when I am supposed to be studying.

2009-02-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

Although I'm not too big of a fan of Madonna, I am a huge fan of her new W Spread with Jesus Luz. It's really sexual and edgy. Enjoy.

But anyways.......

So I'm still single, I wouldn't have it any other way. But for all of you love birds out there, gazing endlessly into each others eyes, I hope you have a good one. Tell me how it goes.

-Anonymous.

Dear Leon

2009-02-10T20:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Leon and the World of course,

I got a message from one of my readers and it read:

"From reading your blogs, you seem to have a perfect family. Great parents....why haven't you come out to them yet? I do understand your dad is a judge and came from Vietnam=conservative. Your mom would be the perfect person to come out to first. Anyhow...love your blogs

Leon"

Well Leon, times like these I wish I didn't delete my old posts because it had an explanation for this. Anyways, when I was younger, maybe junior high my mom said something that is still vividly in my mind today. She said "if any of my kids were gay, I would die." And while she has seemed to have become more open minded, I feel like she is not ready yet, and neither is my dad. And even though my dad is asian you would think that he would be the more conservative one, well he is the more liberal one. I am sure that both of my parents would accept me for who I am, but fact of the matter is, I am not ready for it.

There is something about coming out of the closet that freaks me out. I like my life right now, and I fear change. And my parents aren't going to be happy either, they'll accept me, but they won't be happy about it. I mean, what parent would right? One of my worst fears is letting down my parents, so I guess I am just holding off on it. However, don't think it hasn't crossed my mind here and there. And I am almost positive that they suspect something anyways, so ill just give them time to think about it, to brace themselves. Sorry I have to keep this short, my tests have been owning me. Bleh.

-Anonymous

Untitled

2009-02-07T14:36:00.000-08:00

I want to know, if you could ask God one question, what would it be? Sorry I had to keep this post extremely short because it is now officially crunch time for midterms. Either email me, or leave your question in my comments, and then in another post I will put up all the questions everybody had. cool beans?

-Anonymous

p.s hover over "if you could ask god one question" and it'll directly take you to a contact forum.

The Update: The Broken Garden Sprinkler

2009-02-02T02:09:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

So I am sure there is a fire under many of your booties, itching to know what happened between Nick and I. Well..... this may all come as a surprise but we got back together. Okay, okay I am only kidding. Hell no would I ever get back with Nick. But here is there real scoop.

So after we broke up, I was perfectly fine. Like totally fine. No regrets on my part. I wish I could say the same about him, he was a wreck. But anyways, one night when my parents weren't home he decided to just show up! He found out from my cousin's boyfriend, who happens to be Nick's best friend. The gate guards called in, saying "We have a Nick at the front gate, should we let him in?" My blood was boiling, why would anyone do that? I figured it would be so much worse if I created a scene at the gate by not letting him in, and I really did not want to deal with that. So I hesitantly just let him in. He drives to the front of my house, his car sticking out like a sore thumb because it was such a piece of shit. Literally the bumper was dragging 5 seconds behind the rest of the car.

So now he is just sitting in front of my house like a creeper. No knock on the door, no phone call. I see his car from the window thinking "what the fuck does he want me to do?" 15mins later he decides to call "can you come outside?" I asked him "why? why are you even here?" He relies "Please, just come outside." Why would anyone do that? But I did go outside, just because I didn't want him doing anything drastic in front of my house.

Now we are in my front yard, just sitting. He asked me how I was, and I said "Peachy." And then out of the blue he starts crying. Why would anyone do that? And at that moment, I wished........ I hoped.......... I begged to be somewhere else. I really wanted to just tell him to go lay on the grass and water the lawn for me. Many of you probably wonder why I dislike him so much, I'll save that for another post. But anyways, he was just like a broken garden sprinkler. I hopelessly sat there waiting for him to stop, trying make out the sounds coming out of his mouth. Half words, half panting I had to tell him to calm down. He asked me "how did you get over it so fast?" Seriously, right now, I couldn't be honest, did I really want to make him cry even more? I just told him that I keep myself busy.

Remember that ring he had given me? Well I gave it back to him when we broke up, and he handed it back to me that night. He said "here, I engraved it, I want you to keep it." I was getting more and more awkward for me. I asked him "When did you do this?" He said "When you dumped me." I was thinking why would anyone do that? That was literally the question of the night. But after we talked, I calmed him down and managed to get him home. We really didn't say much of anything. I just told him that he'll be fine, and that he'll find someone. I told him "I'm an asshole, you don't want to be with me." And that only made him laugh, and want to be with me more. But I wasn't going to lead him on. I just told him to focus on other things.

When I walked back inside, my cousin asked me, the one who knows I'm gay, "Did you ever love him?"

I replied "Love, the way I see it, is the reluctance to kill. And since Nick drove away tonight, still alive. I guess you can say I did." You see this is a typical me response. I don't like being mushy, and you know, that kind of crap. But I knew this would not be the last time I heard from Nick. Stay tuned.

-Anonymous

p.s isn't my new song good? It's a pretty old song, but it was shuffling on my ipod and I forgot how good it is. And don't forget to bookmark me again. Do it under an alias name if you are embarrassed. ; )

Also, don't forget, you can email me anytime and leave a comment!!

The advice post: "I need help"

2009-01-31T00:23:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

One of my favorite things about blogging was providing advice to other people who wanted it. And with this new blog that I so claim to have, I intend on doing the same thing. Here is a more condensed version of the message that I received.

"I read on your website if someone is having problems they can message you, i hope i am not bothering you but i really need help.

I am 22 years old and my family went searching through my room and found out i was gay approximately 3 weeks ago. I have had a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and he has been the only person who as ever loved me. My family told his family and he was forbidden to ever talk to me again. His father threaten to kick him out of his house and not pay his medical school tuition anymore if he continues to have contact with me. Last sunday was the last time we will ever see each other again.

What is sad is my family wouldnt allow me to be gay and they said how he pushed me into it, and how i am not really gay and this is a phase. But i know i am gay, i have tried to be with girls so many times. But my family wants the picture perfect wedding and i know i can't give it to them I dont want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I am afradi that i haver dound the person i can spend the rest of my life with and now i am being forced to be alone again. All i want is to be with my boyfriend forever.

The last part and the tricky part to my story is, I never got accepted to medical school in the states. and i might be forced to go away to the carribean to go to school. and my ex-boyfriend said he would risk his family for me, but there is a huge possibility that i might be leaving in three months to go to school. I just want to die. i feel like no one and nothing is on my side. death will be so much easier, and i hate my family for putting me through this. they don't love me, they just love bragging about me, and if i was gay they wouldn't be able to do that.

Im sorry again for dragging this on, i just had no one to talk to abotu this. i will apprecaite any advice you have.

Thank you"

First off, you are not bothering me in anyway. Secondly my response to this is to keep your head up. As cliche as that sounds, time is the best medicine. Give you parents more time to think rationally. Right now, they are in shock. You have to think in their shoes, and take into consideration all the things they've wanted for you. Like you said, Your parents dream about that perfect wedding, the perfect wife, the perfect children (Jeez, sounds like my life) and to have that suddenly pulled out from under there feet is tough. No parent is going to be like "I am so happy my son is gay." In a perfect world maybe, but in our world, not so much.

It is up to you, to show them that you haven't changed. You are still the same, and you can still go to med school, have children, and all of that cooker cutter stuff. I think it is sweat that you have found love. I managed to hide a relationship with a guy for like a year. Its tough but it sounds like what you have is real, and I think it is worth it. Worse comes to worse, pull out a loan for med school, and be with your boyfriend. Your money will come back when you graduate, but your significant other, however, might not be there anymore. If you parents decide not to accept you for who you are years from now, then fine, let them live there lives in denial. In the end, you need to be more selfish and worry about yourself. Because in the end, you feel the pain, no one else does.

I hope this helps. Sorry I'm kind of panicked right now because I just wrote this eloquent paper, but I realized it might be on the wrong topic. But this is also a reminder to everyone that if you have issues, please email me!

-Anonymous

The Update: R.I.P Mocha

2009-01-29T02:35:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

So I've been gone for quite sometime now. But before I start, just a moment of discretion, I am so sleepy right now. I just made a bunch of flash cards for a midterm, so I am making an honest attempt at sounding coherent. Anyways, a lot has happened since I've been gone, with Nick and everything. I'd like to start of with this.

Couple of weeks after I stopped blogging I totaled my BMW 5 series. (Karma maybe? For leaving you guys hanging? Whatever makes you feel better). It was pretty bad, but I walked out with just a few scratches. You probably all wondering if it was my fault, but this is where it gets complicated. Too put it simply, I was avoiding someone else, which in turn caused me to hit someone else. But the fucker, excuse my language, who I avoided drove away from the accident! Might I add without a scratch on his car, thanks to me. Also note, this accident took place like at 2 am, so there was no one around.

The fucker, came out from the side. He/she had no stop light, just a stop sign. So he/she has to yield to traffic. Apparently he didn't see me, and if he did, I guess he wanted to kill himself. So he just went storming out from the side, right into my path.

But anyways, in my attempt of swerving out of the way, I ended up on the other side of the rode. My swerving out of the way, ultimately saved the fucker's ass but caused me to loose control and run head on into incoming traffic, or is it oncoming? Well you know what I mean. And according to the law books, this would mean it was my fault. Which means very little compensation for my car. You see, I didn't think this, everything I was doing was just instinct. I still remember exactly what happened, it was like it happened in slowmo. I remember seeing the beam of my headlight trace the fencing on the opposite side of the rode, and when my car straightened out I saw the headlight of the incoming car. And boom, my air bag explodes in my face. The next thing you know, BMW calls me. It's like on-star, but for a BMW. "Our computer tells us that you've been involved in a frontal collision, help is on your way." Thank god for that because there was no one on the rode. So that was that, my BMW is gone. R.I.P Mocha (my car's name). But luckily everyone was okay. And I guess the politically correct thing to say is that human life is all that matters, but hell I miss my car! My parents never replaced it, so now I drive a toyota highlander. Woot.

I hope that makes sense. Describing a car accident is really difficult.

-Anonymous

The Face Lift

2009-01-28T02:07:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

As mentioned before in my post yesterday, I wanted to give my blog a face lift. I spent a pretty good amount of time on it because I am horrible with computers. I hope you guys like it! Now that I'm back I realized how much I miss blogging. I should be studying right now, so I'm going to keep this post short.

Basically this is a picture of my sitemeter.

How sad is that? But I'm glad my views haven't dropped to 0 just yet. Bookmark me!

-Anonymous.

p.s I totally cut my thigh somehow and now its beginning to burn. Lame.

The Life Post: Starting over

2009-01-27T01:38:00.000-08:00

Dear World,

I'm not really sure where to start. I know many of you hate me for just kind of leaving, but I guess you can say I was just running away from everything. Going to this blog was a constant reminder of what I was, and how much guilt I felt being with Nick. I apologize because many of you truly did care about me, but I was so ashamed of who I was. I was running away from all the mean spirited opinions constantly sent to my email. I really couldn't handle what everyone had to say when I didn't even know what they looked like. I couldn't even get advice from the people I was closest too, so instead I sought out for help from complete strangers. Something felt wrong. I never thought that hiding things from my friends, family, and loved ones would be the root of so much guilt. And this blog was a physical manifestations of all that I was hiding, and I feared confronting it. I always thought I could live my life hiding things from everyone, but I realized that I can't. People tell me that I shouldn't of started something I couldn't end. My response to that, is that I had no intention of ending this. I knew it was only a matter time.

So the first order of business was to delete all my old posts, I never want to look at them again. But with that, I am starting a new chapter in my life. Being single for almost a year now has allowed me to expand on things I realize are more important to me. I can't let being gay be a constant issue in my life. So just as a warning, this blog is getting a face lift. Its no longer going to be that gay relationship blog. Its going to be about my life, and what I learn from family, friends, school, and just random people I meet on the street. I used to write about Nick because I knew it would get me the most views, but now I can careless who reads this blog. It is truly a place where I come and vent, a journal per se. I learn so much more from the people I truly care about, then the booty call that was Nick.

But again, I am so sorry.

-Anonymous

"Picture Perfect"

How old are you?

What do you most closely identify with?

Photography

99 Stupid questions about me

Rest In Peace.

The Music Post: Pt 2

Outed, again

Back from the Island

Hawaii!

The God Questions

The Straight World

The Time Machine

The Music Post

The Life Post: The Umbrella

Holy Crap

Dear Leon

Untitled

The Update: The Broken Garden Sprinkler

The advice post: "I need help"

The Update: R.I.P Mocha

The Face Lift

The Life Post: Starting over