Thursday, February 11, 2010

I fell out of heaven to be with you in hell

Dear World,

I am back! Well not has "back" as I'd like to be. I'm still extremely busy but I promised I'd be back around February 10th, so here I am. So where do I begin? Whenever I go on these blogging breaks I get flooded with stray thoughts while trying to get through unremarkable life events. And with stray thoughts comes blog material.

Well, where do I start?............Lately I've been feeling a little bored, as if I have nothing to be happy about. I've done everything I've wanted for myself. The things that would've given me much happiness before just don't do it for me anymore. So as I slowly cross things off my list, I approach that one thing on my list I can't seem to accomplish.

Doing well on the LSATs, getting into a New York Law School, and moving out, those are all things in the distant future that I can probably accomplish. But #6. "Come out of the closet." Why is this one so hard? I almost get annoyed with myself because I can't seem to do it. I just can't picture my life being out of the closet. I can't fathom it. There are times where I imagine myself coming out of the closet to a friend and want it to be reality but its not. I have written coming out notes in tears only to trash it the next day. I have typed up emails only to never hit the send button.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being betrayed. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of being different. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of heartbreak. I'm afraid of emotions. I'm afraid of being that gay guy. But I'm also afraid of regret, regret from not coming out sooner. I feel like my time is now.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for me. But I'm at a point now where I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. So maybe its time for change? The change that I have repeatedly said that I feared. I don't even know how to come out to someone. How do you even bring it up? [Suggestions please]. Is it finally time for the anonymous blogger from Picture Perfect to come out? I'm just waiting for when my time comes. Sigh.....its late and time for me to go to bed. I look forward to more stray thoughts.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s. I'll be responding to emails soon. As for link exchanges, I'll be happy to exchange links but please have my blog already linked to your blog when you email me.

22 comments:

David said...

hey, hang in there. i say do it when you're ready. i don't think there's anything worse about coming out than feeling pressured to. just be ready for all the hypocrisy and judgment you will probably get. but also look forward to the love and acceptance from those you might not have expected it from.

j said...

hey man, hope things are going well. it's pretty cool you made a list of what you want to accomplish, and what's even better is your drive for law school - something i want to do as well.

about coming out, well, i can't say much - i haven't done it yet either. i think it's one of those things where you just know when to, on your own time.

Glog said...

Awww...I came out to my folks when I was 16 and they kept qiuet, ignoring everything and now I have a BF and we kept arguing cos I say I wanna move out... It's tough but there are people around you who knows about it and they can show support. Not everyone judges. I have friends who judges and now you know who your true friends are. Take care.

goleftatthefork said...

looks like you're going to need a new list soon! I'm glad you're (sort of) back ... love your blog ...

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TheDreamer said...

Glad you're back too. Well, on the coming out issue. There are an awful lot of ways to do it. However they all revolve around Being Brave. If you know any gay people, try them first (it's an easy audience). Then your best friends (it's usually an easy audience). Just tell them straight (excuse the pun) by taking them out for a cup of tea and saying 'hey, I have something to tell you that I have only just worked up the confidence to tell myself'. Then work out how far you want the news to spread. That can be as simple as whenever someone says 'she's a really cute girl, you say 'nah, I prefer cute guys' etc etc. It gets easier after the first few times. Tell your parents when you are good and ready. And good luck. There is a whole world out there waiting for you. Be Brave.

RAZ said...

If you ever get bored: "Edge of 17" and "make the yuletide gay"
both good comming out movies. They might help.

-RAZ
Jacksonville, Fl

Aek said...

*Hugs*

I can understand how you feel. It's kind of suffocating and you never know what you'll be met with when you do come out. I think it might be helpful for you to make a list of people who you want to come out to first, and work from there. Plan something out - in your head, in writing, whatever, something.

All in its own time, even if that time isn't right now.

B. said...

Maybe if you do well on the LSATs and get into New York Law School, you will move out and finally come out of a closet to some other people who can understand it... :) and you'll get all of your decision in one...

Well, I'm just kidding a bit. I understand how you feel, cause I'm also in a closet and I think that I will never come out to anyone in my country, so I wish so badly to move out somewhere where I can finally be myself and come out to some people who can understands me... We'll see what will happen :/

*Big hug* (everything will be ok)

Latelygay said...

Aek gives very sound advice. Only you can determine when the time is right for you, but I can assure you of this, without thinking that you were struggling, it's suddenly as if you've only been breathing on one lung and suddenly the other one has inflated. I didn't get to come out until I was 40 and while I had to go through the hell of a terrible divorce, I finally managed to feel complete and at peace with myself.

Good luck!

Sam said...

I feel you, man!
But everything will be ok, in the long run (that's what I am telling myself)

I am also a confused guy and although seem to have a typical perfect life, nothing is making me happy... I feel it's also coz I am kinda living a lie and want to come out so badly. But I know that time in place are not suitable for my coming out right now...

About how to come out; I've been thinking about that too.
I have like 4 friends who are very supportive with me (I talk to them about almost everything but my confusion)
So now, I am thinking that whenever a conversation (with them) triggers anything related to my sexuality, I'll just tell them about me. Basically, I am just gonna be myself with them - for example, I do tell them, these days, if I find a guy cute or so - if they'd ask why/how.. or ask me for example why I do not have a girlfriend or so, I am going to be honest with them...
Maybe you can also do the same, if you have some supportive and caring friends...

I wish you all the best!!

caring hug,
Sam

littlelight95 said...

stumbled upon your blog in a moment of boredom and love it x
about coming out i see it as do it when your ready but it will also show you when you do who your mates really are x
i know how harsh people can be about things like that but your mates, if they really are good mates, will except you and love you as you are same for your parents. It wont change your personality, you are still you with a twist
where the fun in being the same as everyone else????
go with your heart its never wrong x
good luck x
L x

meshugener said...

Hi,
I came out of the closet at the age of 34. I wanted to since I was 18. The sad thing is I didn't even touch another guy until I was 34.

Don't be hard on your self because making the leap is hard. The good news is once you do it - it doesn't feel much different - you are still you.

I started with some good friends. They were accepting and loving. My brother was perfectly cool. I waited six months to tell my parents - that was hard. They were honest and didn't sugar coat that they weren't happy about hearing it, but affirmed their love. The first year was tense - each year since has been better. It just isn't an issue - I am still me. It really doesn't change anything.

Think of it like diving into a cold lake - the water will feel good once you get over the initial shock.

F said...

Hello Again.

I left a rather lengthy comment in a previous post of yours. hope that went down okay hehe...

Sagittarians are known for being tactless and outspoken... Ah well...

Question: How does one bring up that they are gay:

My advice would be to say, ask a close friend out to coffee, or if more comfortable, your house. ( I told my best friend in her College Room at University). (For you Americans, College means Dorm, and University means College :) )

I just said to her "Hey, there's something you might find interesting, it's kind of important to me as i feel that i somewhat identify with it,but yeah, I'm gay...yeah hehe"
(the yeah was said with mega embarrassment...

She was like " oh, really?"

"Yep. Yes i am. I'm gay"

She was really cool about it. Most people our age are growing up in a world where as long as they can see you're still the same person,( ie you haven't been typecast into the sassy gay stereotype, or one of the many others availalbe...bear, twink, musclemary, bitchy gay etc, they'llaccept you. And if worst comes to worst, and they don't accept you, then dump their arses.

If I wasn't gay and a friend of mine dropped a friend for being gay, or i dunno, an Iranian, or a scientologist, I'd look at them twice...

By coming out you'll force your true friends to show themselves. And its nice to know someone has your back. There's always hope! Think positively too. Thought creates reality. Focus on how great it'll be to come out. On how when you tell your close friends you're gay, they'll accept it.

Bandaid approach is the best approach. Just say it and then deal with it. The only person (i know of) who found out and didn't like it was this guy that has no dreams of a better future, and is stuck in his own miserable existence... I truly hope he'll become a better person though.

With honour and deepest respect for a fellow comer-outerer

Steve

Ps - It'll be okay! You'll see :)

fuck, i'm gay said...

hey buddy,

what an impressive list of accomplishments. I would focus on those that you have done already and the others as work in progresses. I'd be happy to have a checklist as great as yours.

Well, time to get cracking on my list.

take care!

Fat Queer said...

How to come out? Such a tough question. There really is no one way to come out, and each time you come out to someone new it goes down differently.

I recently came out to my little brother, he was one of the last ones I needed to tell. While I had wanted to Come out to him much sooner I was waiting to make sure that he was mature enough to deal with it.

I had just finished helping him make some upgrades on the engine of his car and he wanted to take it for a test drive. We hopped in and went for a drive around the city. About 1/2 way he decided he wanted me to take over the wheel, so we swapped places.

After only a couple miles I saw my chance (I had been looking for this opportunity for some time). I made sure that he had the time to talk for a bit. He got a bit nervous, and thought that he was in trouble or something.

I said, "I want to talk about ME. Calm down."

He said Ok.

ANd then I said, "I have been wanting to talk to you for a long time. You are my brother and I love you, and I want to be honest with you, and want you to know you can be hones t with me. I'm gay."

He said Really. I said YES. He said OK. And that was it. We talked in the car for a minute, then went in the house.

Later he came up behind me and gave me a huge hug. That's when I knew it would all be fine.

The thing is, it always seems like it's not the right time to do it. But you just have to say the words. It's never easy to tell loved ones, for various reasons.

Good luck. You are capable of doing it.

-FQ

P.S. as someone who also grew up in Orange County I know what you are up against.

Alec said...

I have been where you are and I have "come out" but I want you to know that it is not a bad thing. I have not had intimate relations in years and often wonder if I would still classify myself as "gay". The main thing is to allow yourself to be who you wish to be and that does not have to remain constant. Just allow yourself to be open and honest that you accept others and your status could be supportive of others that wish to be who they are, it's not etched in stone. Can you be yourself without living in a dream. Sometimes reality is not what it may seem.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how to post a comment other than anonymously because I don't know what all those other things are.
What I can tell you is about me.
By the time I entered high school I knew I was gay(it was just called queer then). As far as I knew, no-one else was. Being queer was probably the one thing you were not permitted to be. Staying in the closet was the only way. I know your fear. I still have it. I have never been able to overcome it. One person, once asked me if I was gay. I replied in the affirmative, so now about half a dozen people know I am gay, but I haven't seen any of them in onver a year, and we sorta move in different circles. Realistically, my love life or lack thereof is my business. I have all sorts of other things to deal with--if people who know me think less of me because I'm queer, too bad for them. Coming out is supposed to be therapeutic and I suppose it is if ony so that you don' become lonely and chronically d^pressed as I am.

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JF said...

I just hope you know that you're definitely not alone--where you're at is exactly where I'm at, and it's really encouraging to see that I'm not alone. I just can't imagine coming out, shaking my entire world up, changing how everyone sees me. I suppose it has to happen someday, probably sooner rather than later, but I can't even fathom how it's gonna happen.

Hugo Easiley said...

Hi, I came out of the closet at the age of 34. I wanted to since I was 18. The sad thing is I didn't even touch another guy until I was 34. Don't be hard on your self because making the leap is hard. The good news is once you do it - it doesn't feel much different - you are still you. I started with some good friends. They were accepting and loving. My brother was perfectly cool. I waited six months to tell my parents - that was hard. They were honest and didn't sugar coat that they weren't happy about hearing it, but affirmed their love. The first year was tense - each year since has been better. It just isn't an issue - I am still me. It really doesn't change anything. Think of it like diving into a cold lake - the water will feel good once you get over the initial shock.

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