Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Cancer that Isn't you

Dear World,

As you all know I love giving advice to people, and most of the reason why I started this blog was to help people through their problems. I recently received an email from a reader that I find extremely touching, and he asked me for some advice. Here is what his email read:

" Dear Anonymous,

I first wanted to tell you that I love your blog, and it keeps me entertained on my most boring nights. But I saw from your older posts that you gave people advice, and I really need yours at the moment. I hope I don't bore you with my story. So when I was 17 I came out to my conservative parents, and it basically tore our family apart. My parents refuse to believe that I am gay. But I always seem to make things worse and worse. I am 18 now, and I am in love. I have never felt this way about a boy before in my life. One day my boyfriend came over to my house because the parents weren't home. My boyfriend went up into my room, and we started making out. Things got really passionate. I started to undress my boyfriend, I took of his shirt and started kissing his neck, and my mom walked into my room. My mom had forgotten her purse while going to the market and had to go back home, she decided to walk into my room to ask me if I needed anything at the grocery. My mom was heartbroken, I could see it in her face. She walked out, and left the house. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I was even welcomed in this house anymore. ITs horrible at home now. My sister loves me for who I am and is constantly budding heads with my mom, my dad doesn't care which makes my mom mad. My brother seems ashamed of me. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I want to leave, but I don't want to hurt my sister. But I don't want to be a cancer in this home. Please give me any advice that you can, or just respond to this email, I really just need someone to talk to, I have no one.


Dear Ryan,

Please don't think like that. I know it is horrible knowing that your family is going through some rough times. What I'm about to say to you, may seem shocking at first but I'm going to give you my honest opinion. Your mom sounds like she is having a tough time with this, and its been a year. I don't know what your relationship with her is like, but I'm going to assume that she won't change, even though she might, I don't know. But lets say she doesn't change. I honestly think, you shouldn't care. If she can't love you, someone else will. I know for a fact that you can find at least someone that loves you for who you are. Your family isn't being torn apart by you, you shouldn't think of it like that. Your family is being torn apart because your mom and your brother refuse to accept you. It is their narrow mindedness that is a cancer, not you. You didn't change. And if your mom can't love you, again, someone else will. You can make a difference in someone's life, you just need to find your potential. Don't let this hold you down, you are much further ahead in the coming out process then I am. You should be proud of yourself just for that. it takes a lot of courage. I look up to you for enduring the things you endure. I'm the coward refusing to come out. I should be asking you for advice. But please know, you always have a friend here, email me anytime you'd like. Again, if anyone out there needs advice please email me at And don't worry I don't publish any emails without the person's consent.

Peace and Love,


Aek said...

It's great that you've opened yourself up to give out advice to readers who'd benefit. That's really nice of you.

To Ryan: I don't know the relationship you have with your mom or your brother, or if your brother's younger or older than you. But you have an ally in your sister, and that's something. Ask her to help you, perhaps with your brother first. If you're college-bound in the fall, it will be a nice change to get away from home, take a breather, and get some perspective. But never lose contact with your sister, and probably your brother. It almost sounds like there's some hope in helping your brother understand and accept you - just a bit of effort is all.

Best of luck with everything! It's tough, but you can endure and you'll come out stronger.

David said...

his story is really heartbreaking.

to ryan:

some parents take a long time to come to accept their child. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. like Anonymous said, your mom and your brother's attitude is what's causing all this trouble. hopefully in time things will get better.

Bruce said...

Thanks Anonymous for helping Ryan and also for allowing your readers to try and help him as well.

To Ryan:
Please think about how long it took you to come to terms with being gay. Your parents need a time to grieve for the son they thought they had. I know a year seems like enough time for them to do this, but it may take longer since everyone is different.

There are some really good books for parents out there that help them deal with the issue of GLBT children. "Now That You Know" is one of them. I always suggest that people give a copy of this book to their parents when they come out. Also, look up the local PFFLAG chapter for them and maybe give them a copy of the movie "Prayers for Bobby". Just some thoughts. Hang in there and use your sisters support as much as possible. IT WILL GE BETTER!! You can email me anytime if you need to talk.

secret blogger said...

Great advice buddy. But please make sure that you tell Ryan not to run away from home as it will not solve anything and might just worsen things. Please make sure he does not run away. And suicide is not the answer at all. His mom loves him...... its not him that she hates or the fact that he is gay, what she is scared of is change. A huge change in everyone's life. Make sure Ryan does not blame his mom. It has taken Ryan probably a few years to come to terms with his sexuality, so maybe his mom needs some time too. Everyone walk in their own speed. Until then hold on. An keep believing cos there is nothing else to it other than that.

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