Thursday, May 7, 2009

Drowning Myself In a Sea Of Work 

Dear World, 

How is everyone doing? So lately, I've been finding that my mind has been fluttering from one place to the next. Its like I suffer from ADHD. As for blog topics go, I find it hard to think of anything meaningful. Of course it would be so easy for me just to find porn and paste them all over my blog, but this blog wasn't made for that. But anyways, this is what I wanted to talk about today.

So I met up with my cousin Gabriel last weekend. We went out for lunch over on Pacific Coast Highway, around the Laguna Beach area, to catch up. I hadn't spoken to him in like a year, only because there is a large age gap. He is 30 and married, looking forward to having kids. Which I personally think is weird because I still look at him like a kid. But yea He asked me what I was up to, and usually whenever anyone asks this question I talk about school, and how busy I am with work and all of that good stuff. And then he preceded to ask me about my love life, and I said non-existent.

He was shocked because, according to him, I had everything going. "good looks, big dreams, and a good family." and I said "look man, stop harassing me, I'm gay, okay?" ......yea right, in my dreams. What I really said was "I have barely anytime for my own family, what makes you think I have time for a girlfriend? and besides I enjoy being single. I don't want a girl holding me back. I've always been like that. Career first love later." and he kept telling me the joys of being married, and I really don't care for it. Its not because I'm gay and can't get married and shit like that, but I truly do enjoy being single. I love being independent, not having anyone wait on me, and just doing whatever I want. For the rest of lunch we just talked about life, and what I was looking forward to after my first 4 years of college.

So, when lunch was over we both got into our cars and went our separate ways. On the drive home I began to think. Do I really want to be single all my life? Is it that I TRUELY want to be in a relationship but I've lied to myself so much that I've convinced myself otherwise? My answer to that is, who knows? I have no idea what I want, relationship wise that is. A wise man once told me, "you use pencil cause you are afraid of commitment." And from that point on I started using pen. Okay so back on topic, (jeez I really can't focus). I know exactly what I want for my career future. I know exactly what I'm going to do in meticulous detail, but when it comes to my love life its all a blur. It's like I'm drunk all the time, and everything is swaying and fuzzy. I seriously wonder sometimes, do I keep myself extremely busy with work as a coping mechanism, as a way to keep my mind off of an underlying loneliness? Or is it just that conventional society has me tricked into believing that I need to be with someone when I get old. I DON'T KNOW! I am so confused.

Don't get me wrong, its not like I have no friends. I have tons of friends, but friends are friends. This is a different type of loneliness. 

I've always thought, If i find him I'll find him, If i don't I won't. I feel like this is tough for everyone, gays and straights. But I feel like my odds would be so much better if I was straight. Maybe its cause I'm picky. Maybe its cause I enjoy being single. Maybe its cause I don't have time. There are so many possibilities. So now I am left here to think, am I swimming or drowning in this sea of work?

Peace and Love,


Aek said...

"I seriously wonder sometimes, do I keep myself extremely busy with work as a coping mechanism, as a way to keep my mind off of an underlying loneliness?"

You take the words right out of my brain. Eerie . . .

Several of my friends are engaged and/or getting married. And it is saddening to think that I've gone all my life without a relationship. I don't mind being alone, but I do wish I had someone.

If only love life were as clear-cut as career life (sometimes).

David said...

i think that maybe in time the right one will come along. you just have to be ready for him. and don't turn him away.

but then how will you know he is good for you? that's a hard question.

for now, i'd say focus on your education because that is what you're at college for. friends and love will always be there.

dannie said...

my friend is the same way, he always says he's going to be single forever, he's always working and doing career things which is always good. But work shouldn't be all that you do.

maybe for now the single life is better. but later on, you might meet someone that is worth it to give it a try :]

Bruce said...

You're only 19, play a bit throughout school then concentrate on a relationship once you've finished you're education. Just be careful once you start you're career that you make time for finding the right guy.

Anonymous said...

This is exactly how I'm feeling. I'm my own person and don't need anyone to help me out. I've always buried myself in my work in much the same way, perhaps hiding from what I want and need the most. It's so much easier this way; both myself and parents can be proud of who I am and what I can achieve. If I fell in love with a man, the story might be different. I've just begun studying a demanding degree,and have my future more a less planned out. But when it comes to love, who knows? I can't really envisage myself living in suburbia with someone I love, two children and a pet dog. For now at least, that world is not for me.

Anonymous said...

Nice blog. Love the graphic work.

Ryan said...

you I can't relate to this, I'm a big time man whore and find guys left and right lol. But then again idk if the guys that I find are worthwhile, so I guess if you had no standards it would be easy too.

Mike said...

There was a book that I read about a year or so ago about overcompensating in other areas to focus/detract your focus from being alone in the gay world, but are you really happy? It was a pretty interesting read. I believe it was called "Velvet Rage."

I just wanted to say at 19 I was in your shoes. I was perfectly fine being single. I liked my complete independence. I still do, but now I want that companionship more and more. I am fine with being independent, don't get me wrong. After my quasi relationship with The Guy however, I have rethought and changed my mind. I think for me it is going to be a balancing act between work and guys. I know when I graduate (which is in 4 weeks) and finally finish in grad school (another year away) work will probably overshadow what I do a lot in the beginning, but I am mindful I need to have some Mike time and try to find someone for me that I'm compatible with. All I'm saying is watch how 3 years change you!

Joe said...

Reading this posting, I just sat here nodding my head. I am one of those people who has thrown himself into his work and volunteer work. I spent about 10 years or so throwing myself into nothing but my work. I was always at work early and leaving late. I was constantly volunteering in serveral organizations. All of this, I now know, was my "coping mechanism." However for me the difference was that I was in denial that I was gay. I spent those 10+ years denying who I was. It was a very lonely time. I always said I did not have time to date and I enjoyed being single. While that was true, I began to realize I did not want to be along forever.

I value my independence, but I would also like to share my life with the right guy. In the past two years I have taken more and more time for ME. I was finally able to accept that I am gay. I have actually come out to my friends and a few family members (all others are on a need to know basis). I have even started to date.

I will simply say that having someone in my life has been a nice change and something I did not expect at this point. Honestly, I think we can only be alone for so long before this desire to share our lives begins to take over.

Also, you are only 19. You have plenty of time to find the right guy for you. If you are throwing yourself into your work, what is wrong with that? Only you know when you are ready and willing to share your life with someone.

Take your time!