Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The sand in the hour glass is moving slow

Dear World,

I need to do this impromptu post because I have so much on my mind and this is the only way I'll be able to clear my thoughts so that I can go to bed. I know this post won't do what I want to convey any justice but I really just need to get this out of my system. This is going to be a stream of conscious so excuse the grammatical errors, spelling errors, etc.

So over the last few posts many of you would have already realized that I'm kind of in a man search. Being in the closet puts me in a weird situation because I can't exactly just go out and meet someone. Many of you have a lot to say about me being in the closet, but to address that right now, I don't give a fuck. I will come out on own time. Anyways, I posted an ad on Craig's List basically giving my description, my goals, and ambitious and how I was looking for someone to talk to or maybe even date if it turns into something special. 40 messages later I finally got an email from a guy who wasn't just looking to satisfy his one night frustration while his wife was out.

This guy, Gabe, goes to my school, he's in fraternity, smart, and Bi. Yes Bi. Here is the thing about bisexual guys they are more confused then gay guys. I always thought being Bi sexual would be so much fun, but to live life torn in two directions is just too much. Anyways Gabe and I get along really well. He's funny, sarcastic, and loves music just like me. And most of all he is dedicated. Discreet like me, he fears coming out because of his parents. So I figured this could work. We got a long sooo well it was weird. For people who never met we were already finishing each other's sentences.

After talking some more I find out that he is "dating" this girl. Okay, weird. But he assured me that it was something that was only a month in and they weren't mutually exclusive. I didn't think much of it because after a week I was really just happy to be able to be open with someone. I was able to share with him my experience with my ex, Nick. We both had relationship problems with guys, and he was basically screwed over by some guy which has turned him more straight then gay. In other words, he saw guys as people who he could fool around with, not get into a serious relationship. Bi sexuals are so confusing. Just so everyone knows, at this point I still hadn't met him in person yet. All of our chatting was done online.

2 weeks later I muster up the courage to meet him in person, and to me I thought it went really well. We sat in my car and just talked, it was awkward at times but I don't see why it wouldn't be. We got along so well. It was so refreshing to be able to open to someone. I had that feeling that I used to get with Nick. That feeling in your stomach. That shyness that usually isn't there reemerges. Before we parted ways we exchanged hugs. That hug with him was a reminder of what I've been missing out on. I felt the warmth of his cheeks against mine that gave me chills. I had completely forgotten what it was like to be with anyone, to feel someone's affection. He pressed his face against mine and stroked my back. That hug carried on such a more meaningful message for me.

But I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. I still don't even know, but lately he's been a little stand offish. He hasn't been texting me the way he used to. I asked him literally just now "am I going to be able to share deep dark conversations with you tonight?" Okay I know this sounds a little strong, but it's an inside joke that we have, and all he said was "i'm not nearby a computer right now." 2 weeks prior he probably would of made some joke or said something sarcastic. This just seemed so cold. I responded with "aw, okay, well I'm going to pass out now, you have work tomorrow right?" he responds "yay lucky you, you get to go to sleep. i feel like I'm not going to be online as much anymore with finals, but yea I have work tomorrow, lucky me." Basically saying, I won't be online to chat with you as much anymore. I feel like this is a sign of him getting bored or scared.

The only reason why that last text was so depressing for me to read was because we both talked about how he was naturally smart, and he always emphasized how he never had to study. So I don't get why he would tell me that now. Does being online really distract him that much? Another point I want to make, being online carries more magnitude in this situation because that's the only time we ever talk because we are both so busy.

I don't know what it is, maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe it's because I'm so excited for this. Maybe it's because he is scared to be screwed over again. He made it clear to me the first time we talked that he wasn't looking to date anyone, but 2 weeks later he says "just when I think i am fully attracted to girls, a guy comes into my life to make me think otherwise" and for a moment I thought I could be that guy. I'm just kind of lost right now, and I really needed to clear my mind. I told myself not to let myself fall for this guy because he was in the fence about everything. I knew this was going to happen, but I can't turn off my feelings. I am so picky when it comes to men, and for once I think I might of found someone. When you know, you know. So right now, I'm trying to stop any feelings I have for him because I don't need to be let down. Love sucks.

For every post I listen for inspiration from music to help guide my thoughts, and the song that is posted now is my current inspiration. I don't know why it is, but it is. thanks for reading and for being loyal. I could really use your advice now.


Boyd and Lloyd said...

First of all: Hi!

Only just discovered your blog and it's a great read. Keep up the good work. You can count me in as one of your regulars from here on out. :)

I'm glad you've met someone! Being just as desperate in meeting someone (if not more) as you are, I know that's a very good thing.

I don't know why he would suddenly avoid you like that. Maybe something scared him when you two met up in real life. Or it's like you said, being bisexual and torn between two roads in life can be very confusing. Perhaps one of your bisexual readers can tell us about that?

My advise is to stay positive and confident about yourself. Show him that you care about him, but don't go too far or he will feel as though he has the upper hand and that he can treat you as he likes.

Get on with your life keeping him close-by. Let him do his finals, then see what he does. If he makes a move, fantastic. If he doesn't, then it's his loss.

I really hope that everything works out for you.


Anonymous said...

nice post man. sounds like you just need to pull back a bit and make sure you give him enough space-- not doing so is the surest way to guarantee it doesn't work out. reality is, he is actually busy with work and school, and it's not like he ignored your texts entirely. so it could be a lot worse. it's a stressful time of year and with the holidays and family coming up it's an easy time for a guy like him to flip back to the other side of the fence to avoid dealing with his internal conflicts. it may not be the hot-blooded romance you were hoping for, but in the end there may be a lot more long-term potential if you let it develop more slowly and on a timeline that works for both of you.

and i echo the 'fuck you' to all the 40+ yos who try to guilt trip/manipulate guys like us into coming out.

Aek said...

I think in many ways you hit the nail right on the head.

Being bisexual is confusing, and for many isn't just as much fun as you'd assume. One always feels like he/she is "choosing" and being judged with every choice.

Perhaps he is busy, perhaps he is scared. Perhaps both. It's a tough time of year to be dealing with so much and have internal conflict on top of that. Give him a day or two, then contact him again.

Have you tried telling him how you feel about him? People are notoriously bad with expressing their emotions and feelings (I'm also guilty as charged here). What would happen if you told him?

borg_queen said...

Did he become distant immediately right after your first meet up?

Anonymous said...

I am sure that you actually can read the "writing on the wall". Gabe has got quite a few issues, quite a bit of emotional luggage that he is carrying around, and yeah, as we all know, he needs loads of SPACE and time to sort all of these things out, sonner or later, or sometime or whenever and wherever?

Sure, you want to stay in touch.

But first, and foremost, you want to move on. There is no point in putting your life on hold, while someone who may (or may not) be a good match is busying himself with dating a girl, preparing for his finals, and jobbing around.

Look, we all work, go to school, run our households, spend time with our families, hit the gym, etc., etc., but we also have our priorities right. If I am interested in meeting a guy, trust me, I'll make it happen within very few hours. Don't fool yourself here, and never buy into the "Oh, I am sooo busy & confused scam!"

Most of these guys are actually playing around, putting their irons in as many fires as possible, and keeping all of their options open. Few of them are premeditatedly manipulative but quite a few are simply going with their gut feelings, like: "Hmm, I feel like meeting up with Jane today! So, I'll put Jack on hold... If Jane and Mary are busy, I can always go back to Jack, rite? And the other way around, too!

Just move on...


bruno said...

Great post!!! I´m almost the double of your age (just turned 37) and can relate to what you´ve written about...
It hurts a lot to be so uncertain about someone´s feelings regarding you, especially when the conversations went so nice before you have met.
Try to keep cool about him, and most importantly, make an effort not to become cynical or cold if things don´t turn out to what you expected from him. There are planty of interesting guys you can meet ouside!!!