So I've been out for awhile because I've been so busy with school, life, friends, family, and thoughts. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately, a little too much for my taste because I'm not the one for dramatics. Typically, I would just empty my brian out here and purge everything I was feeling but I just don't have time.
A few days ago I decided to sign on my Coolguy4192 screen name and surprisingly I got a lot of instant messages. Many of those IMs consisted of people who wanted to know where I was and why I left the blogging world for nearly a month. There was one reader in particular who really motivated me to write again, and you know who you are. (not that I was planning to leave forever). But it was really refreshing to know that people care, so I guess I should give you guys something to care about right?
Lately I've been extremely frustrated with being in the closet. I feel like everywhere I turn people are out or coming out. I feel like I've reached an age  where I should embrace myself and enjoy being gay at a young age to have the vitality that my youth provides me. I don't know why its so hard for me and yet so simple for others. I am my own worst enemy.
I guess the reason why I struggle with this so much is because I've created an impossible standard for myself. This standard has ultimately created an image of a guy who has it all, who lives the picture perfect life. And a part of me wants to uphold that standard. For what reason? I don't know. Someone wise once told me "Who are you living your life for? For yourself? or for others?" As of now, I am living life for others. I can admit that. I enjoy pleasing my parents, I enjoy that they are proud of me. But I think I've reached my limit. I need to start living my life for me.
There is this guy who I'm acquainted with. He recently came out as being bisexual. I really really want to come out to him, but I don't know if I can trust him. But I feel like he would be the one to know what I'm going through. His wounds are still fresh so he would still have the sympathy for "closeted" guys like me that many veteran "out" men lose over the years. I don't know what to do.....I'm really thinking about messaging him over facebook. I came out to a guy once, and I was completely fucked. I'm thinking this over long and hard. What would you guys do?
Peace and Love,
email me: Coolguy4192@yahoo.com