Wednesday, April 14, 2010

In the morning this will all seem fake

Dear World,

So I've been out for awhile because I've been so busy with school, life, friends, family, and thoughts. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately, a little too much for my taste because I'm not the one for dramatics. Typically, I would just empty my brian out here and purge everything I was feeling but I just don't have time.

A few days ago I decided to sign on my Coolguy4192 screen name and surprisingly I got a lot of instant messages. Many of those IMs consisted of people who wanted to know where I was and why I left the blogging world for nearly a month. There was one reader in particular who really motivated me to write again, and you know who you are. (not that I was planning to leave forever). But it was really refreshing to know that people care, so I guess I should give you guys something to care about right?

Lately I've been extremely frustrated with being in the closet. I feel like everywhere I turn people are out or coming out. I feel like I've reached an age [20] where I should embrace myself and enjoy being gay at a young age to have the vitality that my youth provides me. I don't know why its so hard for me and yet so simple for others. I am my own worst enemy.

I guess the reason why I struggle with this so much is because I've created an impossible standard for myself. This standard has ultimately created an image of a guy who has it all, who lives the picture perfect life. And a part of me wants to uphold that standard. For what reason? I don't know. Someone wise once told me "Who are you living your life for? For yourself? or for others?" As of now, I am living life for others. I can admit that. I enjoy pleasing my parents, I enjoy that they are proud of me. But I think I've reached my limit. I need to start living my life for me.

There is this guy who I'm acquainted with. He recently came out as being bisexual. I really really want to come out to him, but I don't know if I can trust him. But I feel like he would be the one to know what I'm going through. His wounds are still fresh so he would still have the sympathy for "closeted" guys like me that many veteran "out" men lose over the years. I don't know what to do.....I'm really thinking about messaging him over facebook. I came out to a guy once, and I was completely fucked. I'm thinking this over long and hard. What would you guys do?

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

email me: Coolguy4192@yahoo.com

13 comments:

13 said...

Today, a friend of mine somehow admits that he's a bisexual! :o I'm tempted to tell him that I'm ... queer but I don't want him to have another vision of me as 'gay' instead of a friend to him :(

I feel suffocated sometimes. Everyone assumes that I had a girlfriend, which I just shrugged and be whatever about it. I do have a wonderful boyfriend. Our relationship is hidden. No one knows. Any problem occurs are solved by us. I don't have anyone to share and ask any advice regarding our relationship. But we manage to get through always! Thank God for that! I do wish to tell everybody but it might makes matter worst. My parents might see me as being possessed by the Devils while my friends might be disgusted. So, I find it not worthy to risk of telling them that I'm a proud gay man. I wish I could. So far, I'm happy being like this but I am extremely doubtful about our future :'(

If you ever told your bi mate that you're gay, I hope he doesn't judge you and accepts you for who you are and as a friend! At least, you have someone to share your personal life about being gay.

P.S. I'm 22 years old and I am still in the dark closet. I love the dark. I feel comfortable in it.

drew said...

I never came out. I can't add anything to this discussion except you don't want to make that choice. Living in the closet causes stress and will eventually catch up to you emotionally. It has me. My hope is that you would decide to take a chance and make your move. There really isn't any other choice if you want to be truly happy!!! Good luck with a very tough situation..

Aek said...

I've been having the swirling thoughts lately as well, albeit about a different thing altogether.

Personally, if I were in your situation, I'd get to know the guy a bit better and see if he's trust-worthy or not. And I certainly wouldn't come out to him on Facebook, unless you never see the guy in person. Facebook is dangerous territory, once written, it can be exploited. Verbally, it's less threatening if that's something you're worried about.

While I'm not out to like 99% of the people around me, I will be ironically the president (co-president?) of the LGBT group here next year. Now that's just kinda funny.

Anonymous said...

sooner or later buddy, you are going to have to face it. and i think you have the strength and courage to defeat whatever is holding you back. you just gotta find the willpower and realize that maybe it's not such a big deal. good luck!

warm hugs :)

queer heaven said...

For your own well being you must come out. We struggle through life to find the right path to the truth.
This truth is only your truth.
The way I see it, there is absolutely no reason what so ever, for anyone to stay hidden in that dark dingy closet. Forget about what anyone else thinks, why should you care. It is your life and how you live it that is the important. ( not what someone else thinks of you).
So... take this day and make it yours totally. Open that door and let yourself be free.

Andy said...

I WOULD STAY IN. If I could turn back time I'd still be in the closet and I woukdn't be suicidal.
But it seems like you reeeeeaaalllllyy wanna come out, you have more of an idea of your possible consequences. Whatever you decide, good luck mister.

Andy said...

It's great if you know who you are and embrace it, but you don't have to label yourself for others. Let others try to figure you out for themselves. I bet you've fantasized about coming out, but it ain't as romantic as it seems.

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wayner said...

Hi, I am a 60yr old gay guy who grew up in a time when homosexuality wasn't discussed and there was no such thing as 'coming out'. The only time homosexuality was mentioned was when someone was called 'queer'. I feel like I was robbed of my youth and I feel the bitterness today. At least today you have a chance.
-Keep in mind that coming out does not guarantee you happiness in life cos there are so many other variables, but I think it gives you a better shot at it. And I think it would be best to have a gay boyfriend and the support of gay friends before coming out all the way. The closet is miserable and lonely and deceiving women is hard on the conscience. If you get married to be 'respectable' in society, think about the inevitable expensive divorce and alimony and child support; you will be left with barely a pot to piss in afterward.
-Again, you know your situation and at your age being true to yourself will ease the stress. Good luck. - Wayne :)

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r.gram said...

Please be careful but be strong when I was young I thought monsters were in my closet ,maybe it was myself . I just came out to my parents and my mother kind of knew and my father took about an hour and it was like nothing. My whole childhood has been acting straight and staying away from gay jokes that really hurt me inside. I'm still going through this transition of accepting that I am gay and let me tell you it's roough and bumpy. Tell only people you can trust and believe in! This can be the best time or later on to come out ,you don't want to spend the rest of your days saying (what if) Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

Hello,

I wish you all the best. Around your age my mother asked me if I was gay, I told her no. I Lied, I often retell this story and it hurst me that I lied to my mother. Take your time, you see I found out what I thought I was hiding everyone knew. Trust your gut feelings they are always almost right. You will find your way.

Nahanni said...

Trust?
Make it just another part of life and one doesn't have to consider trust.
Do they know if broccoli or eggplant is a favourite food? Do they know if diving or taking pictures of toadstools is a favoured activity? Do they know that shoes with heavy or smooth soles are preferred?
Just slip the information into conversation when it fits, and show no interest in Exclamation! over any reaction. From there, they will treat one as they will, and one will be the better for the revelation.
Life is as it is. When that is realized and accepted, it gets so much better... and others may invite one out for broccoli au gratin, or a day photographing in the forest, or even suggest a rugged-soled hiking boot they noticed.