Monday, July 5, 2010

I'm Moving Past the Feeling

Dear World,

So I've been gone for a month or so now, but thank you to those who have been patiently waiting for my posts. The great thing about life blogs is that I need to live a life in order to blog and for months I didn't have one.

I used to be so sure. I always thought that I could live my life in the closet. Deny this part of me until I was finally laid to rest. Life was easy then. Life was so simple when I thought I could take this secret to the grave, but as I get older I realize that I can't live a life in denial.

As a teen I would describe myself as scared. I was petrified of the gay side of me. Completely horrified at the thought of being discovered. I wold do everything in my power to appear straight. I would go out of my way to cut down openly gay guys to prove that I was "normal."

As a young adult months away from turning 21 I would describe myself as lost. I don't know what I want. I know that I am gay, I've accepted that. But I don't know what I want as a gay man. There is this side of me that always feels guilt. I've been with guys before. Hook ups, break ups, and fuck ups. And each time I feel guilt. Its a guilt that I can't shake. I don't know why but I don't see myself with a man. Maybe it's cause I haven't met the right person. I can't be sure. I'm just confused.

When I lay down at night, close my eyes, and visualize about the future, I don't see myself with a man. I don't see myself with a women. I don't see much of anything. I just want to be happy.

Peace and Love,


Robin said...

I hope you'll find someone one day you can be happy with..
I'm kind of at the same place in my life.
But for me, it feels right to come out, even though the thought of doing it scares the shit out of me!

Anonymous said...

i think you will be surprised how quickly that feeling can change - sneaks up on you and then BAM!

Aek said...

It's good to see you post after such an absence. I hope you can find the balance and happiness in your life that you seek.

Be patient, don't stop searching, just breathe.

drew said...

I can see how hard it is to accept yourself with all the negative things you hear/read about being gay. I guess accepting yourself would be a good start. I spent time with a counselor and that helped. He happened to be gay which I think helped even more. You will figure things out. Good luck with it!!

Random Thinker said...

little steps, little decisions, made with thoughtfulness and openness.

who knows, in times those little steps will be the start of a very long journey.

Nick said...

I'm 28 and still have no idea what I want - and apparently it stays that way for a lot of people. But the most interesting people I have met also have little idea what they want. Guess we're all just destined to search and not find - maybe the secret is to just enjoy the search and not wait for the treasure to be happy. I don't know if that makes sense, and if it does, whether it helps or makes things worse.

Anyways, good luck on your journey.

Nadia said...

Wow, your words are so deep. But you also sound quite troubled. I'm sorry that you feel so confused, but I think it will make you grow stronger and wiser, and it will help you find the right person.

take care.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if u ever visit it again. I'm almost in same position, with this difference that I'm bi not gay, and never had sex before. I wish to find someone and i don't really care if this will be a guy or a women with whom i would feel save, secure and needed. My piece of advice for you ... travel, as much as you can ^^ and your happiness will find you.


We've all had these kind of feelings at some point and time. You're not alone.

Look forward to updates

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JF said...

I couldn't be more in the same boat. It's so tough--the love of a woman seems to complete a man, but it's just something I'll never be able to experience. I wish I could have something like that, and I feel shortchanged for not being able to. It's a tough place we're in.

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I came across your blog while surfing, and while I’m a great deal older, my heart went out to you, especially when u spoke about not getting over the guilt. I’m from a generation that did what we were told, or was expected to do, and I did the same. I was gay, I tried and did everything to be straight, and nothing helped. I come from a very religious family, and felt the weight of all the guilt inside of me, feeling I was betraying not only my family, but God. And every relationship I had only made me feel more guilt. I got married, but in reality, it only made things worse: having the desire for men, and having to fulfill the desires of a woman. I felt like I was betraying her and myself. For so here, I won’t go into detail, but it wasn’t until I confronted my spiritual life that I was able to move into the happiness I sought. I can’t speak for others, but it wasn’t until I saw that God loved me, a gay man, that I was created by God, and it was a good thing, that God had a purpose for me, and that happiness was part of that purpose that all the guilt went away, and I could accept myself as much as God had accepted me. Like I said, for me, it was a spiritual process, and It was mine. I’m not saying that it is the same for all. Each of us has our own journey. But your desire for happiness, and free from guilt: that is the same for all as well. Don’t be afraid to follow your journey, but make sure it is your journey: not your family’s, not your friends’, just yours. You will find others along the way with whom to share that journey, and it is my belief and life experience that your Higher Power will be there for you as well.

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Anonymous said...

I can only tell you something that I've experienced. I felt guilt. I tried to live the best I could, was successful and social, my guilt didn't keep me in the closet crying. I coped with it. but it always again snuck up on me. lots of little, harsh things I did were actually something like that other me that didn't like my being gay, I wasn't really at heart with myself. so then someday I met this guy. (this is where it normally gets cheezy, but this is serious, man.) we had a great summer and stayed together. we were in a relationship for four years. we both had personal, child-hood things that then came up when spending time together, we listened to each other. sometimes we didn't, but hey, nobody's perfect. then we moved together after a year or so. we lived in berlin for 4 years then. somehow we stayed together. and then after all those years I suddenly noticed that there wasn't any guilt anymore. and that, even though I never saw myself in future with a man by my side, there I actually was with him. I don't know if that moment was only the moment I noticed that I didn't feel that special type of guilt anymore or if it was the moment were I actually stopped having the feeling. but definately you can be lucky enough to meet that guy, live together, evolve as a person, discover yourself as a person (and I mean, dis-cover, take of the layers of "stuff") and become who you are.

Justin said...

"When I lay down at night, close my eyes, and visualize about the future, I don't see myself with a man. I don't see myself with a women. I don't see much of anything. I just want to be happy."

When I read your words, it incredibly feels like I'm reading my own thoughts. I'm talking about the whole thing, not just the part in the quotes. I'm around your age too.
I can't really put what I feel into words... it kinda makes me feel more alive to know that someone out there is feeling what I feel, and in pursuit of the same simple thing... to be happy.

lord harkness said...

its great you are discovering this now vs later on in life when it's harder to face and you are deep into living a life to please someone else. i want to say to you about your future: if you don't see yourself with anyone at this point, that's fine. find your happiness yourself and learn to be happy with and by yourself. once you are there or close to there- you will be able to open up and share with whomever you choose.

we are surrounded by what "we should do or be". it doesn't take a relationship to make one happy. at least not one with another person. a friend of mine told me that life is all about relationships- with friends, enemies (hopefully you have none), family, loved ones, sexual, business, god, and most importantly yourself- and how to navigate them. i feel if you can start with yourself and learning who you are and what you want- you can branch out from there. good luck to you in your life and i will keep reading.

great photos btw :)

Ansgar said...

Stop thinking so much, just live your life. Mr. or Mrs. Right will knock on your door, when you least expect it at all. ;-)

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Anonymous said...

There was a very real perception that bi-racial was much worse for the white than it was for the person of color. The liberal culture, which was designed and promoted with the god's tools to achieve their Apocalyptic goals, screamed racism when there was a very reasonable explanation for this reality::::
In this white punishment known as the United States the person of color has already adopted the disfavors/temptations intended for another race. But by associating/mating with a person of color the white is newly adopting the disfavors of another culture.
And this is the reason why people of color are not welcome in the United States. The gods control everything:::The perception they want to create, the thoughts they want you to have.
People of color can't recover from absorbing the temptations from two cultures. And why they become more and more like so many blacks in America:::Veterans at absorbing the temptations of two cultures.
To further illustrate this is why California's educational system/funding was ranked #1 when California was white:::Education being the basis of the affluent economic system. Now even public higher education has become unaffordable.

The gods placed us all into our own corners of the globe. As such for thousands of years we spent time and reproduced with out own kind.
This is why mobilty/travel, biracial unions/offspring and partaking of other cultures is a sin::::
Each has it's own elements of disfavor, and by experiencing other cultures you are being exposed to these disfavors, which if people may adopt will make their state even worse than prior.
The United States has been considered a "melting pot" where rejects from around the world were sent when kicked out of their motherland.
Remember, this concept of cultural diversity is an element of the liberal platform the gods used to promote societal decay, revealed on the map with the "beast" that is the SanFranciscoBayArea and the spread of social deterioration that spread to the rest of the country and eventually to the entire globe.

Ronald Reagan spent the communist block into submission with defense buildup, and in the process increased the National debt from $1 trillion in 1980 to $6 trillion when he left office.
W charged both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to the national debt, honest numbers to come.
The gods used W to initiate the "Great Recession" with deliberate legislation/regulation changes, allowing the sub-prime fiasco and corporate irresponsibility/criminal behavior which led to the multi-trillion dollar stimulous package, pocketted by Republican friends and donors::::$5 trillion charged to the National credit card.
This corruption is one element of evil in the party of good. War mongering is another.
Damned if you do, Damned if you don't::::With the Democrats you subscribe to social decay via liberlism, which WILL lead to the Apocalypse. Republicans are being used by the gods to bankrupt the United States, ultimately motivating people to the point of "desperation prayer" once anarchy presides::::Punishment designed to correct your behavior.

Not only is doing the right things important (praying, attoning for your sins, thinking the right way:::accepting humility, modesty, vulnerability), so is avoiding the wrong things important as well:::"Go and sin no more".

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