I'm alive and taking emails. Coolguy4192@yahoo.com

I'm Moving Past the Feeling

Dear World,

So I've been gone for a month or so now, but thank you to those who have been patiently waiting for my posts. The great thing about life blogs is that I need to live a life in order to blog and for months I didn't have one.

I used to be so sure. I always thought that I could live my life in the closet. Deny this part of me until I was finally laid to rest. Life was easy then. Life was so simple when I thought I could take this secret to the grave, but as I get older I realize that I can't live a life in denial.

As a teen I would describe myself as scared. I was petrified of the gay side of me. Completely horrified at the thought of being discovered. I wold do everything in my power to appear straight. I would go out of my way to cut down openly gay guys to prove that I was "normal."

As a young adult months away from turning 21 I would describe myself as lost. I don't know what I want. I know that I am gay, I've accepted that. But I don't know what I want as a gay man. There is this side of me that always feels guilt. I've been with guys before. Hook ups, break ups, and fuck ups. And each time I feel guilt. Its a guilt that I can't shake. I don't know why but I don't see myself with a man. Maybe it's cause I haven't met the right person. I can't be sure. I'm just confused.

When I lay down at night, close my eyes, and visualize about the future, I don't see myself with a man. I don't see myself with a women. I don't see much of anything. I just want to be happy.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

Dear World






















Be Aware of the World around you. Photo credit.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

In the morning this will all seem fake

Dear World,

So I've been out for awhile because I've been so busy with school, life, friends, family, and thoughts. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately, a little too much for my taste because I'm not the one for dramatics. Typically, I would just empty my brian out here and purge everything I was feeling but I just don't have time.

A few days ago I decided to sign on my Coolguy4192 screen name and surprisingly I got a lot of instant messages. Many of those IMs consisted of people who wanted to know where I was and why I left the blogging world for nearly a month. There was one reader in particular who really motivated me to write again, and you know who you are. (not that I was planning to leave forever). But it was really refreshing to know that people care, so I guess I should give you guys something to care about right?

Lately I've been extremely frustrated with being in the closet. I feel like everywhere I turn people are out or coming out. I feel like I've reached an age [20] where I should embrace myself and enjoy being gay at a young age to have the vitality that my youth provides me. I don't know why its so hard for me and yet so simple for others. I am my own worst enemy.

I guess the reason why I struggle with this so much is because I've created an impossible standard for myself. This standard has ultimately created an image of a guy who has it all, who lives the picture perfect life. And a part of me wants to uphold that standard. For what reason? I don't know. Someone wise once told me "Who are you living your life for? For yourself? or for others?" As of now, I am living life for others. I can admit that. I enjoy pleasing my parents, I enjoy that they are proud of me. But I think I've reached my limit. I need to start living my life for me.

There is this guy who I'm acquainted with. He recently came out as being bisexual. I really really want to come out to him, but I don't know if I can trust him. But I feel like he would be the one to know what I'm going through. His wounds are still fresh so he would still have the sympathy for "closeted" guys like me that many veteran "out" men lose over the years. I don't know what to do.....I'm really thinking about messaging him over facebook. I came out to a guy once, and I was completely fucked. I'm thinking this over long and hard. What would you guys do?

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

email me: Coolguy4192@yahoo.com

All this talking pulls my teeth

Dear World,

Apologies again for being absent. This quarter has by far been the worst. I'm doing this reading for one of my classes right now, and I've literally just come to the realization that I've been so ignorant my entire life. But hey, isn't life all about growing? I'm going to make a change. I'll tell you more about this later and hopefully you will learn something new about yourself in the process.

In the mean time, in a study, test subjects were asked to use words that they believe is synonymous with homosexuality. Try not to get too upset. I'm listing this in order by the frequency they were mentioned, with the words most frequently used to describe homosexuality first.

1. Sexually abnormal

2. Perverted

3. Mentally ill

4. Maladjusted

5. Effeminate

6. Lonely

7. Insecure

8. Immoral

9. Repulsive

10. Frustrated

11. Weak minded

12. Lacking self control

13. Sensual

14. Over sexed

15. Dangerous

16. Sinful

17. Sensitive

I don't have time to address this issue at the moment, but I will soon! In the mean time, please tell me how you feel. Leave a comment. The main purpose of this post is for to think about how ,as a group, we can change people's perceptions of us because clearly many people have it all wrong.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous

P.S. I've received a handful of emails requesting a link exchange, I will reply to them soon hopefully. But just know that I'm not ignoring you.

Some eyes were looking down at us









The Wild Orchid By Camillia Akrans