Saturday, January 31, 2009

The advice post: "I need help"

Dear World,

One of my favorite things about blogging was providing advice to other people who wanted it. And with this new blog that I so claim to have, I intend on doing the same thing. Here is a more condensed version of the message that I received.

"I read on your website if someone is having problems they can message you, i hope i am not bothering you but i really need help.

I am 22 years old and my family went searching through my room and found out i was gay approximately 3 weeks ago. I have had a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and he has been the only person who as ever loved me. My family told his family and he was forbidden to ever talk to me again. His father threaten to kick him out of his house and not pay his medical school tuition anymore if he continues to have contact with me. Last sunday was the last time we will ever see each other again.

What is sad is my family wouldnt allow me to be gay and they said how he pushed me into it, and how i am not really gay and this is a phase. But i know i am gay, i have tried to be with girls so many times. But my family wants the picture perfect wedding and i know i can't give it to them I dont want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I am afradi that i haver dound the person i can spend the rest of my life with and now i am being forced to be alone again. All i want is to be with my boyfriend forever.

The last part and the tricky part to my story is, I never got accepted to medical school in the states. and i might be forced to go away to the carribean to go to school. and my ex-boyfriend said he would risk his family for me, but there is a huge possibility that i might be leaving in three months to go to school. I just want to die. i feel like no one and nothing is on my side. death will be so much easier, and i hate my family for putting me through this. they don't love me, they just love bragging about me, and if i was gay they wouldn't be able to do that.

Im sorry again for dragging this on, i just had no one to talk to abotu this. i will apprecaite any advice you have.

Thank you"


First off, you are not bothering me in anyway. Secondly my response to this is to keep your head up. As cliche as that sounds, time is the best medicine. Give you parents more time to think rationally. Right now, they are in shock. You have to think in their shoes, and take into consideration all the things they've wanted for you. Like you said, Your parents dream about that perfect wedding, the perfect wife, the perfect children (Jeez, sounds like my life) and to have that suddenly pulled out from under there feet is tough. No parent is going to be like "I am so happy my son is gay." In a perfect world maybe, but in our world, not so much.

It is up to you, to show them that you haven't changed. You are still the same, and you can still go to med school, have children, and all of that cooker cutter stuff. I think it is sweat that you have found love. I managed to hide a relationship with a guy for like a year. Its tough but it sounds like what you have is real, and I think it is worth it. Worse comes to worse, pull out a loan for med school, and be with your boyfriend. Your money will come back when you graduate, but your significant other, however, might not be there anymore. If you parents decide not to accept you for who you are years from now, then fine, let them live there lives in denial. In the end, you need to be more selfish and worry about yourself. Because in the end, you feel the pain, no one else does.

I hope this helps. Sorry I'm kind of panicked right now because I just wrote this eloquent paper, but I realized it might be on the wrong topic. But this is also a reminder to everyone that if you have issues, please email me!



dit said...

Sounds like pretty good advise to me. Not an easy situation.

Aek said...

Wow, that's a really tough situation. Good advice though.

As you said, the person who emailed you should do what he has to do. If he's set on going to med school, and going to the Caribbean is the only way, then do it. At this point, any relationship would be long-distance. Taking out loans for med school is the least of his worries.

Just a comment. The bf shouldn't abandon his own med school because that would almost certainly be the end of his medical career before it even really started.

I wish both of them the best.

Steevo said...

Families sure can be awful sometimes. It's not clear if the families object for religious reasons or what.

This part concerns me a a lot: "I just want to die. i feel like no one and nothing is on my side. death will be so much easier, and i hate my family for putting me through this. they don't love me, they just love bragging about me, and if i was gay they wouldn't be able to do that."

He needs to talk to a professional and get some help coping with all this. ASAP. Suicidal ideation should not be ignored. Stress brings on neurochemical shifts and should he be evaluated as in any other medical crisis.

This is VERY important. If he really wants help and cares about his future, he has to find the courage to do this.

I assume his BF does not live at home, so contact should be possible. Perhaps, despite all the threats, the two lovers have to consider that it is their own life to live.

[btw---University of St. Eustatius School of Medicine --- a friend went here. Says it was GREAT! Not a cheap old alternative, but a good program that was just what he needed.]

I don't think they should accept that they have seen each other for the last time. If they have a solid relationship of almost two years they need to take some time, regroup, get some advice, take time to think thru all the issues, etc. They do not need a perfect solution NOW!

_Perhaps_ the BF can tell his dad if he does kick him out and refuse to pay for medical school, he'll send letters/emails to all family, friends, and work associates informing them of the situation and WHY. Ask for help making his dad understand. [i.e., call the prick's possible bluff]

This tactic has the advantage of forcing dad to get real and see the actual consequences for him if he maintains his current irrational position. I would not be surprised if the BF's dad is not too well thought of by family and friends anyway.

I wish them well... if I can be of some direct help, put them in contact. I might have more ideas or ways for them to look at their situation if I have more background.

Hope this helps.

steevo in cali

Volker said...

This is the nightmare no one wants to live. The advise is good and talking with others about this is a way of releasing the emotional tention that is within. Not everyone has the resources to see a professional, a competant one in his/her field. Talking about this is a good start.

Parents want the best for their children but often forget to allow their offspring to live their own lives, not that of their parents!

Good luck, and ask as many questions as you must to get the answers that will resolve the issues.

David said...

wow. it's sad that FAMILY members are capable of doing this. to their so called "loved ones". the parents need to fucking grow up.

Ryan said...

Could not have said it better myself.

Anonymous said...

I'm appalled at the complete betrayal of trust by his parents invading his private sphere. At 22, even if he is dependent on Daddy's purse strings, he has a right to privacy. What his parents did is unforgivable and I would make that point very clear to them regardless of the financial or social consequences.

naturgesetz said...

One comment hinted at a point which should be clearly stated — If the writer is going to have to go outside the U.S. for med school, the physical separation would have happened anyway.

BTW, sorry about Mocha.