Monday, February 23, 2009

The Life Post: The Umbrella

Dear World,

So years ago, when I was in 7th grade there was this week of just relentless rain. On the first day of rain I remember bringing an umbrella to school, thinking nothing of it. So I was just walking to my locker when all of a sudden some "bro" walking passed me mumbles to his friend "What a fag." (gesturing to my umbrella.) I remember thinking, how does carrying an umbrella make me a fag? It just didn't make sense and it still doesn't. I remember this event so vividly because I literally didn't carry an umbrella for years because I didn't want to be called a fag. So now, me and that "bro" just lived our lives knowing of each other, but never talking to one another. He never knew that I heard.

I hate how immature people were in Junior high, it was pretty unrelenting when I was at that age. People asked me, almost everyday, if I was gay. I think I was more obvious then, because coming from elementary school, these things didn't matter. I didn't really transition well because I was used being carefree in elementary school. But when Junior High came rolling around people became more aware of their sexual beings, and I guess were curious of other people's sexuality as well. Junior high was one of the lowest points of my life, because all I wanted was to just fit. And it came so easily for other people. 

When high school came around the talking stopped, the curiosity wasn't so apparent. Maybe its cause people didn't care anymore? Maybe because I was better at hiding it? But people were really receptive of me.  And at the same time I had support from my peers. People didn't care anymore, and neither did I. I graduated in the year of 2007, and my legacy still lives on at that school through my work, programs, and clubs.

But last week, I came to this realization. And let me tell you how. Last week in California, there were some pretty intense rains. Most intense rain we've had in awhile. And by now, I carry an umbrella regardless of what people may or may not think. I literally have to walk about a mile to get to class from the parking garage, and the walk might just drown me if I didn't have an umbrella. (note, I did not reason with myself in order to realize I needed to carry an umbrella, its not something I'm self conscious about like I was before) But while walking I stumbled upon that "bro" without an umbrella, what an idiot I thought. He was soaking wet. But something got into me, and I walked by him and nudged my head telling him to come here. He looked shocked, but nonetheless he accepted my gesture. So we walked to class together, about half a mile away, underneath that same umbrella that he called me a fag for carrying 6 years ago.

What did I learn from this? Many things. We never know how hurtful our words can be. Like bullets they can't be taken back. His 2 second, probably impulse sentence, kept me from doing a simple thing like carrying an umbrella. And till this day, I go out of my way trying to make people's lives better. I despised this guy for being so unfair and hateful. But I've realized that people grow up. With my experience of high school to now being in college, I've realized that the world is changing, and hopefully it will be a better one. I live my life, worrying about being outed, being suspected and I don't know why. But hopefully like the kids from the class of 2007, I can change to.

Peace and love,

p.s The current song is dedicated to this post because of the line that is repeated throughout the song. "This fears gotta hold on me"

p.s.s don't forget to email me your thoughts via my contact forum or at  because my comments are disabled!