Friday, April 17, 2009

Rest In Peace.

Dear World,

Driving to my house you would be greeted by a guard that would pretend that he cared. He'd ask you where you were headed, pretending like he was writing something down, and he'd open the gate for you. As you make the left at the first stop sign you would see a women and her husband walking their dog. They'd turn to you and wave with a smile. As you speed down the street you notice the perfectly trimmed grass, the opulent cars, and the beautiful palm trees that flow in the wind. You make the final turn and you park in front of my house. And just like that, you've let someone die. This is what I did everyday.

You see, my friend, who was my neighbor, was a tortured soul. Living in silence until one day, he decided to break that silence with the sound of a bullet piercing through the quiet of night. I should've known, I should've seen this coming.......but I never did anything. I've cried many nights over this, thinking of all the things that'd he miss out on, all the things that we used to do together. 2 years ago, my friend was involved in a car accident, that claimed the life of a mother. Ever since then, things have never been the same. Consumed by his guilt, he become a distant person.

Before the accident he and I used to do this thing where we would get each other's mail. I don't know why but it was something we always did as a way to make sure our parents never saw our report cards. He'd leave my mail on my porch, and I'd do the same for him. And eventually it became a habit. We would shuffle through all the envelopes to make sure grades weren't in the mail. 

I remember how he would ring my door bell in elementary school and we would walk to school together. He was my friend when no one else wanted to be. There was a time after the accident where I tried to be there for him. For a year, I begged him to go the movies with me, to go the beach with me, to go ride our bikes together, but I got nothing. Eventually I gave up, I never knew that by giving up, I let him die. I gave up on him.

I guess life goes on from here, but I'm left here with these shitty circumstances. I wanted to say goodbye, I wasn't ready for this, I wanted to tell you I was gay. I wanted to let you know that people still loved you. People didn't give up on you, you gave up on them! But I was too late. The fact that he killed himself makes me wonder what else I've over looked. I've learned soo much from my friend, how to look at people. How to see deeper into their eyes and to try to learn something from them instead of judging people by their faces.

I pray, that the next time I greet the guards, notice the palm trees flowing in the wind, and the perfectly trimmed grass, I'll try hard not to drive by too quickly because I'll never know all of the little things I might have looked over. Every person has a story to tell, and if you don't give them the time of day, you'll never here it and in the end its your loss. Because One day you'll be waiting for the mail, and it won't come.

I dedicate my blog song to him, it was his favorite song. 


Hypnos said...

I don't have words to explain how I feel right now when I read your heart-braking post. It's amazing, great, strong words. You really touch my heart. I can see that he meant a lot to you and I'm so sorry because he died. Life is a bitch and it always give us bad surprises like this. I don't know what would I do when if this happened to me. I can't even think about it...

I don't know what else to say, you said it all... The song is amazing!

Aek said...

Wow, that was so sad and heart-breaking. :( And all you're left with is wondering if you could have done something differently. It isn't fair, and it's a mystery how things turn out.

I agree though, everyone has some back-story to their life. And everyone has something worth telling and hearing. How often do we stop and listen? But don't blame yourself over this. You did try, and for a year! I know it sounds like you shouldn't have given up, but what could you have done?

David said...

that really touched my heart :'(

Bruce said...

First of all, you can't blame yourself. You have to realize that suicide was his choice for whatever reasons and you have to aknowledge and respect that choice to help you deal with it.

Secondly, I want to encourage you to build/continue a relationship with his parents. They will need/want to hear from his friends and will need to see that you are doing okay.

cvn70 said...

man, i am sorry for your loss but tomorrow you will continue on this journey of life a better person for you have recognized your friends value to you in this life. Everyone has value

For this world to lose someone so young is a tragic shame but you will move on and be stronger. You may feel as though you need to shoulder some blame but soon you must realize that this was not of your making

i know the pain of losing a friend at 17, you will never forget him and he will always be there for you

take care and be safe


dannie said...

sorry to hear about your friend, i don't know how that must feel, but it's good you can remember the good times and keep his memory alive.

Anonymous said...

Your sincerity is very touching. There is no need to feel guilty - you did a lot more than some might have. We try to 'be there' for our friends, but it really is not possible to be there all the time. Take comfort from the happy memories of your friend, and knowing that if he was a tortured soul, his suffering is over.