Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Don't Need You Anymore

Dear World,

So I always get asked the question "Why are you not out of the closet yet?" And to be honest, there is really no straight forward answer. I can't imagine being completely out. I don't know a life that is any different from being in the closet. I don't want to be this way, but I am afraid of change. People always say, it'll be for the better, you will feel liberated, but I don't know if I am ready for that yet. There are times where I sit there and wonder why I exist in this world, and I have still yet to figure out why. I just know that one day, I will make a difference in someone's life. Being gay shouldn't be a constant burden in my life, it shouldn't be, but it is because the world makes it that way. It's not my fault that I was born in a world that isn't fully capable of loving me. But am I going to let that stop me from doing the things I want to do? no.

Sometimes I just want to run, runway from everything. Be out in the woods and just listen to the birds, and lay out in the sun. Feel the sounds of the ocean and be with my music. There is so much beauty in this world that we take for granted because we are caught up by these trivial things. People always forget that we are all human, in the end, we all just want to be happy. I try my best to keep this gay thing away from my thoughts, because I don't believe that it should control my life. And after writing these last couple of sentences, I realize that I'm not out of the closet because I don't need to be. It's not anyone's right to know, and It doesn't change me as a person. So why announce it? Why do people deserve to know?

Society has a way of making people believe that getting married and having kids is the only path to happiness. But I truly believe that there are other things to be happy for. I don't know if total acceptance will ever be possible, but I know that I am the only one that needs to accept me. Lately I've been feeling that I don't need you anymore. I don't need acceptance anymore. So why am I not out of the closet? I was never in the closet. I am not trapped behind 3 walls and a door just because people don't know my sexual orientation. I am free.

Peace and Love,

p.s just a rant.


dannie said...

i really like this post. i totally agree with you on coming out, as long as you're happy and okay with it, no one needs to know unless you want them to. people really just like juicy details and gossip on other people around them.

Aek said...

Hmmm, well said. I agree with most of it and it reflects fairly accurately how I feel most of the time.

Anonymous said...

Nice post - and I tend to agree with all of it. Especially the part about going out in the woods and enjoying nature or hanging out by the ocean - even if that wasn't the point :-)

Anonymous said...

There is a whole big industry out there which purely lives off the notion that there are GAY people out there, and that those GAY people buy GAY endorsed products, go to GAY bars, owned by the other GAY people, book GAY cruises via a GAY travel agency, etc.

This is just fine. I support GAY businesses as much as I can, and believe that nothing more furthered the cause of the gay lib and gay equality/acceptability than the power of the pink dollar, pink pound, or pink euro, if you will.

By that very same token, this is YOUR life and only you call the shots. Only you know the idiosyncracies of your specific life situation, and only you can make the decisions for which you will have to bear the consequences eventually. If you see yourself largely happier and better off by keeping your sexual orientation to yourself, this is how it should be. No one, but no one owns you, and thus may claim the right to be privy to any aspect of your intimate life.


chico said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yours Truly said...

This is so nice! It was so inspiring! Thank you for putting this up!

Joe said...

Nicely put. I am in 100% agreement with you. You did not put yourself in a closet, nor are you hiding who you are. You don't become a different person because you happen to be gay. You are the same person you always were, and that is all the world needs to know.

As long as you are happy with yourself, does the rest really matter?

F said...

Hello. I came across your blog today, I'm 23, Live in Australia, a guy and my name is Steve. There, now that you know my life story ( I thought it was only fair that i reveal some of me to you as you've been so open and honest to the webiverse):

I just wanted to leave the comment that (in my opinion), being out isn't exactly shouting it from the rooftops. It can be in a conversation, where the topic shifts to something that you could talk about, in a gay context, about yourself, or people you know etc... Exampell; You and you ex Bf once saw a homeless man running naked out of Maccas. When you're out with straight friends of yours, they start talking about funny things they've seen homeless people do and you might say "My ex and I once saw...".

I think being out is about acknowledging the gay side of oneself. And then allowing others to acknowledge it if it comes up.

My take is that, if you can't even tell a good friend of yours that you have an ex, and he's getting married and you DO know what it's like to be in a relationship: Then you are very much in the closet.

Think of all the knowledge of relationships you could share with someone. "In my previous relationship, I found that...etc".

You're just very accepting of yourself. But you're motivated by something else. Something that keeps you in that place where you don't let others in.

Coming out of this closet is different for everyone. Some people get angry at the world, some people are nonchalant.

Rant Over. Ps I apologise if any of that was hurtful. Sometimes it's nice to have an objective opinion... If I've over-stepped the mark tell me and I'll be less so in the Foocher.

Ps this refers to previous posts.

Have a lovely day/evening