Tuesday, September 1, 2009

irises retreating to ovals of white.

Dear World,

Many of you don't know but I have a younger brother. Recently the topic of his sexuality came up, apparently one of my aunts thinks he is gay. I found out through the family grapevine and its quite obvious that ,in my family, the grapes are extremely talkative. I don't know why but this bugs the shit out of me. If my brother is gay, its really none of their business. This was her reasoning, "Well he does hang out with a lot of girls and doesn't really have any guy friends?" I mean people have their suspicions and thats okay because to me that's only human nature, but she didn't need to bring it into discussion over dinner with all of my cousins and SISTER around. My sister was telling me how awkward it was. I just believe that it was totally inappropriate and I just hope that my brother doesn't find out somehow.

If it were me, I would be completely heart broken. I remember when I was younger, if anyone even suspected that I was gay I would be depressed out of my mind. It's a secret that I think we all worked hard at to maintain at one point in our lives. I never suspected that my brother could be gay. He was always just the immature one. The one that "wasn't into girls yet." Maybe that was his ploy, his cloak to keep from being the object of suspicion. I don't know, but I don't care.

What breaks my heart the most is that I was completely oblivious to it. I always knew that my brother had something deep inside of him that was eating away at him. He was never the golden child in my family. That role was fulfilled by my sister or me. My brother was kind of forgotten underneath all of the trophies, awards, and plaques my sister and I achieved. I always gave him so much shit for being the "lazy one," the "unproductive one," or the "loser." Now I sit here and wonder if he is the one that would understand me the most. My brother went through a phase where he was really depressed. I'm his brother, I could see right through him. I just never thought that hiding his sexuality could be the root of his depression.

When I was younger I always thought to myself that my brother would be the one to carry on the family name. I thought he was the one that would give my mom the family that she always wanted. Its funny how things turn out. I don't really know what to do. I don't know if I should ask him or to just let him come out on his own time. My brother and I have always been close despite the difference in our drive and this gay thing will only bring us closer. I just want to be there for him. Be there in a way that no one else was ever there for me.

Peace and Love,

P.S Sheesh, two gays in one family? It has to be genetic.


David said...

just because your aunt thinks he's gay doesn't mean he is! lol the grapes in my family also talk a shitload too.

but what do you think? do you talk to him about things like this? does he remotely into girls at all? he's done with high school right? so i think by now he'd have a good idea of his sexuality.

if you also suspect he is gay then it wouldn't hurt to bring it up, just casually. and if he's not then just brush it off and say you heard it from someone. maybe take the opportunity to tell him if you so feel inclined.

ok long enough comment. good luck and all the best!

Aek said...

Hmm, it may be a good idea to "warn" him that his aunt was saying that about him. Then perhaps you can segue into saying that if he is, it's perfectly fine with you. If the opportunity presents itself, perhaps you could come out to him - that might help regardless if he's gay or not.

Being the youngest sibling is tough, I think, just as being the oldest. The oldest has the pressure to be the model that the rest strive to meet/surpass, the youngest has the expectations of living up to his/her older sibling(s).

In any case, it's good that you two are really close. Whatever happens, hopefully this will only make you two closer.

LJ said...

its not a pleasant thing when relatives question who you are. i have that problem with my mom cause she always makes these little snide remarks and jibes when it comes to my sexuality and it does bother me but i don't wanna let on cause i'm not quite ready to come out yet.

i see what u mean about genetic cause my sister, two of my cousins and myself are gay which is so weird. When my mom found out about my sister it wasn't that she was gay it was because she hadn't done anything with her life. But since i'm like the golden child i hope it will be better.

hopefully everything will work out for the best


X66 said...

I think you should talk to him about it. But, naturally in a way that puts him at ease and makes him feel safe.

My family doesn't know and if my sister or my parents approached me about it in a way that I could be comfortable talking about it and they let me know they were fine with it, I would be open to talking with them about it. In person, of course!

Now if he does open up and tell you he is gay, you would have to tell him about yourself. Seems like that would be a good thing. Let us know what happens.

meshugener said...

One of the reasons it took me so long to a)try to be with a gay or b) come out was the fear of disappointing my parents and the wagging tongues of family.

Waiting so long was the biggest mistake of my life. The best thing you could do is to be open with your brother - its not about him its about your inner life you are not showing him.

After awhile you get caught fearing coming out and then caught because you have lied to those you love the most.

BTW - genetically - studies have shown that the middle or third boy are more likely to be gay if the first child is a boy. Its nature's way of working out the rules of competition.

dannie said...

it sucks how family seem to gossip...but you should be there for him.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be good to actually talk to your little brother about this? Instead you're doing what you don't like about the family grapevine.

You say "I'm his brother, I could see right through him." The one thing I always desperately wanted was for someone in my family to reach through that veil of separation and talk with me, authentically, no crap, no facades. It may have helped to remove that feeling of separation that I have with my family to this day.

I trust that you have done this for him by now. It does not matter if his forgotten self is because he is gay... and it should not matter. You, as the older brother, can find a way to reach into his depth and help bring him out from whatever it is.

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