Friday, December 25, 2009

Guilty

Dear World,

I did something so stupid that now I feel so guilty. I'm trying to look at this as a learning experience but I honestly don't even know if I can trick myself into thinking that way. Let me tell you what happened...this literally happened 3 hours ago.

My family decided to leave for Spain really last minute and I wasn't sure if I was going to be available for the week they were planning to go. Long story short, my family left for Spain while I stayed home. I felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness, something that I haven't felt before. Christmas Day was just a weird day. All day I felt so weird. My friend told me about a party that was going on tonight so I decided to just go because I had nothing better to do. I got to the party like at 7. It was a pretty decent crowd. It was a crowd made up of people who had torn families or families on vacation.

There was this guy starring at me the entire night. Wasn't that hot or good looking but he was really nice. The night went on for like 30 mins and he and I ended up in a car alone somehow. It all started with me driving 5 people to get alcohol, starring guy being one of them. I drove back to the house where the party was at and dropped them off, but the guy who was staring at me, lets call him Danny, stayed in my car. He said "let's ditch this party."

I felt spontaneous so I did and drove away. I don't need to describe the events leading up to it but we hooked up. We basically did everything but full sex. Mind you this literally happened 40 mins ago. While we were hooking up, the feelings of shame and grossness that I felt with my ex came rushing back. It was the same sights, the same smells, the same feelings. After we did our business, I just dropped him off at his car and left because there really wasn't much to say. We barely knew each other. I felt like a high class prostitute. Right when I dropped him off and I had some time to think, I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt that my family was in Spain while I was having dirty sex in the back seat of my car. I should've sat at home and cut myself instead, it would've been the same thing. I've only been with two guys in my life, 1. my ex-boyfriend 2. Danny the random from the party. I just don't know what to feel right now. What makes me sad was that my parents begged me to go to Spain, but I refused. And this is what I go and do while they are gone.

I stepped into my house and right when I opened the door the family portrait of my father, my mother, my sister, and my brother was starring at me. Starring at me as if they knew what happened and were ashamed. I learned something though. I learned that hooking up isn't for me, especially with a stranger. I'm the type of guy that really needs to know someone before doing anything. I also realized that for some odd reason, I always feel guilt when I'm with a guy. I feel wrong. I felt this way about Nick, my ex, as well. I always felt guilty after we did anything sexual. It is times like these where I realize that being in a relationship isn't for me.

I feel like this guilt is a product of me being in the closet.

For the past few weeks I've been emotional about being single and being stuck this way for a long time. But now I know that what makes me the most happy is when I'm immersing myself with knowledge, with friends, with music, and with the small beauties life has to offer. I think I'm ending my hunt for a guy for awhile. It's going to take someone who is perfect for me to let my guard down again. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I hope you guys stay with me throughout this journey.

I just don't feel good about things right now. I feel so sleezy to say the least. I can still smell his stench on me, I'm going to take a shower.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s I got a lot of emails of people concerned that I cut myself. I actually don't. It was just something I thought was comparable with me hooking up with a guy in that it was self destructive. But yes, I don't cut myself.

11 comments:

LX said...

Wow I know that feeling!

I wish I had something to offer which would make all of the bad feelings go away, but since no one has said any such words of wisdom to me, I have none for you either.

This hook up... ok, you fucked up, you know you fucked up, and now you know heaps more about yourself and the world.

The guilty feeling about being with guys in general. You're probably right - it's about being in the closet, and the biggest part of being in the closet is being ashamed that you are Gay.

You're going to have to get over that if you are going to survive in this world! (don't ask me how)

Manu said...

Well, at least now you're a little bit wiser than yesterday.

And probably you're right when you say that probably part of that guilt comes from being closeted. I don't think it'd vanish just by going out. It'll ll vanish just when you feel comfortable with yourself and assume that you're who you are.

There's no real closet, you know. It's just fear to what would other people think about you and concern about not hurting anyone's feelings. So time will come when you see it dissapear.

goleftatthefork said...

I've followed this blog longer than almost any other and I have enjoyed it immensely - please know that everyone makes mistakes - this one is no different than a straight guy hooking up with a random girl which happens all the time - everyone feels something awful after events like this - the good news is that you learned the lesson within minutes, not weeks or months or years or dozens of hookups later .... Merry Christmas - hope you feel fresh and clean and awakened after your shower

Aek said...

:-/ *Hugs*

We can't take back our actions, what's past can't be changed. We all have things in our past that we wish we can do differently.

But you know, you really did learn something - you learned that hooking up isn't for you, that it makes you feel dirty and ashamed. And that's fine. The question now is what you're going to do with that knowledge and it sounds like you've got an idea.

I can understand your loneliness, I really can. But now isn't the time to spend all alone - find a good friend to hang out and make the most of the small beauties in life.

Anonymous said...

i have been through this same cycle/feelings multiple times the past few years. i think you've come to the most healthy conclusion you can - start looking for happiness within yourself and elsewhere, not from dudes. but for me it really convinced me that i actually do want a relationship sometime, just that it doesn't do me any good to focus my life searching for it. doing what makes you happy gives you the best chance to connect with someone who's going to be real.

borg_queen said...

Come out and do the hunting in your own time. Don't worry about it too much. Besides, that special someone will come into your life when you least expect it.

;)

Seth said...

Count it as one of many of the mistakes you will make while growing up, because that's how life is. Take what you can from it and learn, and use that knowledge in the future when carefully considering things.

But don't beat yourself up over it, and you don't need to feel guilty. I'm sure being in the closet does bring on a whole extra layer of feelings, some heavy stuff to deal with, but you seem to have a level head on your shoulders, and that's a good start.

Forsaken03 said...

I'm not sure if you'll even see this lol,

But I must admit, I just sort of stumbled across your blog, and I fell in love with it.

Your personality truly interests me, and your quite a good writer. I hope to see more soon?

(L)

carlitos said...

Hey dude,
Don't beat yourself up too much over tht little escapade.
You were simply lonely during Xmas and it looked a bit esciting, right?
But, hey you have to be careful in today's world you know.
Don't go getting yourself into the
HIV world. That's a dead end, literally!
Although I don't even know you, I DO care about you.
Be safe, dude.
carlitos

Anonymous said...

I am 22.

When i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (the only guy I had been with) I went out with friends to clubs and bars to take my mind off of him.

Since he was the one that cheated on me, i felt ugly and not good enough.

A random guy came up to me, hit on me, and it made me feel good. It made me feel wanted again. So i hooked up with the first guy that came up to me. The next morning I left and never saw him again. A week later i was out again, and i got hit on. We ended up going to my place, and hooking up. The next morning he was gone before i woke up. Just a note saying "thankyou" on it.

This scarred the hell out of me. I felt sick, and nasty. Worst part was, i didnt remember his name, or half of what he looked like, because i was so drunk that night. Anything could have happened. He could have taken money out of my wallet and took my dog, and i wouldnt have even know who he was.

Since that night i do not do hookups anymore. I wont have sex with a guy on the first date.

You have to find this out for yourself. Dont beat yourself up for it. It didnt only happen to you. Just learn from it.

I love reading your blog, please keep it updated

-RAZ
Jacksonville, FL

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