Guilty

Dear World,

I did something so stupid that now I feel so guilty. I'm trying to look at this as a learning experience but I honestly don't even know if I can trick myself into thinking that way. Let me tell you what happened...this literally happened 3 hours ago.

My family decided to leave for Spain really last minute and I wasn't sure if I was going to be available for the week they were planning to go. Long story short, my family left for Spain while I stayed home. I felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness, something that I haven't felt before. Christmas Day was just a weird day. All day I felt so weird. My friend told me about a party that was going on tonight so I decided to just go because I had nothing better to do. I got to the party like at 7. It was a pretty decent crowd. It was a crowd made up of people who had torn families or families on vacation.

There was this guy starring at me the entire night. Wasn't that hot or good looking but he was really nice. The night went on for like 30 mins and he and I ended up in a car alone somehow. It all started with me driving 5 people to get alcohol, starring guy being one of them. I drove back to the house where the party was at and dropped them off, but the guy who was staring at me, lets call him Danny, stayed in my car. He said "let's ditch this party."

I felt spontaneous so I did and drove away. I don't need to describe the events leading up to it but we hooked up. We basically did everything but full sex. Mind you this literally happened 40 mins ago. While we were hooking up, the feelings of shame and grossness that I felt with my ex came rushing back. It was the same sights, the same smells, the same feelings. After we did our business, I just dropped him off at his car and left because there really wasn't much to say. We barely knew each other. I felt like a high class prostitute. Right when I dropped him off and I had some time to think, I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt that my family was in Spain while I was having dirty sex in the back seat of my car. I should've sat at home and cut myself instead, it would've been the same thing. I've only been with two guys in my life, 1. my ex-boyfriend 2. Danny the random from the party. I just don't know what to feel right now. What makes me sad was that my parents begged me to go to Spain, but I refused. And this is what I go and do while they are gone.

I stepped into my house and right when I opened the door the family portrait of my father, my mother, my sister, and my brother was starring at me. Starring at me as if they knew what happened and were ashamed. I learned something though. I learned that hooking up isn't for me, especially with a stranger. I'm the type of guy that really needs to know someone before doing anything. I also realized that for some odd reason, I always feel guilt when I'm with a guy. I feel wrong. I felt this way about Nick, my ex, as well. I always felt guilty after we did anything sexual. It is times like these where I realize that being in a relationship isn't for me.

I feel like this guilt is a product of me being in the closet.

For the past few weeks I've been emotional about being single and being stuck this way for a long time. But now I know that what makes me the most happy is when I'm immersing myself with knowledge, with friends, with music, and with the small beauties life has to offer. I think I'm ending my hunt for a guy for awhile. It's going to take someone who is perfect for me to let my guard down again. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I hope you guys stay with me throughout this journey.

I just don't feel good about things right now. I feel so sleezy to say the least. I can still smell his stench on me, I'm going to take a shower.

Peace and Love,
Anonymous

p.s I got a lot of emails of people concerned that I cut myself. I actually don't. It was just something I thought was comparable with me hooking up with a guy in that it was self destructive. But yes, I don't cut myself.